"Right Spirit Maintenance" Part 2

Only by pride cometh contention: but with the well-advised is wisdom. Proverbs 13:10

I have not been on my A-game of late. In anything. Seriously. Yesterday I could not make a decision on a lawn mower or a paint colour without second-guessing myself. It’s terrifying. This is coming from a girl that at 12 decided on her own that it was in her best interest to switch schools. Who at 17 moved out on her own because she didn’t want the RCMP deciding her life for her. Who at 19 decided in one day’s time to step out of post-secondary to pursue a career and at 21 took a massive pay cut to follow another calling. Who has spent over six years making decisions on behalf of the sick and injured and now she can’t make a decision between “windsor red” or “ruby red slippers”. Really. . ?

This is where it gets sticky and my thoughts get a bit muddy. Obviously this is a bit of a inadequacy issue (sigh. . .). However, what disappoints me is how I’ve been internalizing this “me” issue into an issue of pride, proving and leadership. 

Let’s back it up again. I have been blessed with two specific things in regards to this issue. The first is having people who love me. The second is being surrounded by excellent leadership. By this I mean that I interact regularly with individuals whose leadership and judgement I have a high degree of trust in. I am very, very grateful for this blessing and I find a lot of peace and content in following their leadership. However, with this recent bout of indecisiveness I find myself thinking that this peace and contentment in being a humble and placated follower is making me dumb. 

I think that’s pride talking. Pride starts telling me that people are doing things for me because they think I can’t do it or that I won’t do it right.” I want to paint my own furniture - but my dad doesn’t think I’ll do it right so he’s going to do it for me”, says Pride and Proving. “You need to give up that call to your partner because he would make better decisions than you would”, says Pride and Proving. 

You see! I have to bring this to the light because pride and proving is a serious issue both personally and professionally. Personally it strains relationships and prevents new relationships. In this profession, at best it makes you into an arrogant prick and at worst it could kill someone. 

This is why I love writing. When you organize your thoughts you find what you’re looking for. I’ve been writing this for a while now and I’m feeling a lot less muddy and can hear the truth.

Truth says “Dad’s going to paint your furniture because he loves you and its something he can do to help you out.” Truth says “Giving up the call is the logical thing to do, you need to brush up on that skill and your partner doesn’t think any less of you.”

The truth is that although I had to be a very independent youth, I have a different life now. Whereas a youth I didn’t feel I could rely on many people, that there wasn’t much for leadership outside of my parents, that there weren’t many people that cared about me - now everything is different. 

In this new life I’m learning the importance of recognizing and dealing with weakness. I’m learning to trust people and to follow another’s lead. Instead of wallowing in feeling dumb, instead of worrying that I’ve lost my decision making skills I need to recognize and utilize and be thankful for what’s in front of me and work to develop the rest. 

Like I said, I have people who love me and care about me. If they want to help me, I should be less concerned with equalizing and repayment and just grateful for their help. I need to value that I find rest in my faith fellowship. I should count it as a blessing that when I’m struggling in confidence I have people whose leadership I can trust and whose advice I value. I can learn from these people. This is an opportunity to practice humility and grace without shame. There is a season for everything and when this season is through I will be an even better decision maker because I will be balanced and learned and “well-advised” as the proverb puts it. I won’t worry about proving or feeling or looking dumb. I will be able to flow between leading and following without doubt as to my ability. I just will. With God’s help. 

So now I’ve truly been open. 

 I went with “Ruby Red Slippers” by the way. 

"Right Spirit Maintenance" Part 1

Create in me a clean heart: O God; and renew a right spirit within me. Psalm 51:10

I believe that in order to deal with weakness you really should bring that weakness out into the open and confront it. Unfortunately, it is not an warm-fuzzy thing to do.

I’ve been commended a whole lot lately on being an “open” person. Which still kind of strikes me as odd because I’ve always felt that I usually don’t share half of what I’m thinking or feeling. In any case, there have been people that have been impressed with my willingness to share my thoughts and convictions on things. But there’s always this fear that accompanies me after I leave an “involved” conversation - that I’ve shared too much of myself, that I’ve opened myself up to ridicule or left a door open wide enough to get hurt. So the praise I’ve received this past year has been a great comfort to me. 

However, I’ve been thinking. What good is it to be an “open person” if you’re only ever open about the things that you know you can talk eloquently about, or that you’re convicted on, or that make you feel like a strong and smart person? It’s easy to talk about things like that. It’s easy to be open about good things. But if I want to stay true to the praise I’ve received and not fall into pride then I think I need to be willing to consider being open when I’m struggling with weakness or with any topic that might not necessarily feel stellar to converse about.

Lately I’ve discovered a nagging pride issue that’s been hindering me and because I want to try to be brave enough to confront it I’m going to put myself out here and write about it. Kind of scary, but it seems like it’s what I'm supposed to do.

Awesome Thing #7: Sharing a Giggle Fit

It's a slow  and uneventful tour that has been filled with mindless trips to DI (Diagnostic Imaging, aka, CT scans, Xrays and Ultrasounds <oh my>).  Mindless because most of these patients are more like clients. They need a stretcher, diesel and PR with a smile more than they need medical intervention. Some sleep, some talk on their cell phone, some will debate religion and politics with you and some. . .well, some are just a little. . ."off".

So there's you and your partner, standing in yet another hallway. You look left, you look right, you look up at the ceiling tiles, you look down and think you should polish your boots. You think about what you need to get done on your days off. You wonder if you're going to get a decent call before the end of shift, heck, you wonder if you'll get out of the hallway before the end of shift. You look at your slightly "off" patient sitting on the stretcher playing with her iPhone. Then back to your boots, check your phone, walk to the end of the hallway, look around for anyone you know, walk back and start the whole process over again. Then -

"THIS IS SUCH A HARD GAME!" exclaims your patient.

Your eyes lock on this "hard game" that has your patient leaning forward intently with her index finger whipping lines around the screen of the iPhone making zig-zag lines that demolish pieces of fruit that float across the screen.

You lean back against the wall and feel the tiny little bubbles of laughter inside your head that make you tense up the corners of your mouth to better convey to your client that you understand their frustration. But then your eyes start to water just a tiny bit and you bite your lip and drop your head to hide the grin that's spreading across your face. You would have been okay, just little more teeth-to-lip pressure and you'd be able to carry on as though this zig-zag-fruit-killing-game was the chess match of the century.

But no, you make the mistake of lifting your head and glancing at your partner. You make eye-contact and you quickly realize your mistake and close your eyes as you feel the grin once again spread across your face and the hiccup of a giggle in your throat. You open your eyes and see your partner again and you both know that you are giggling inside about the same thing.

And the thing about giggles is that they love company.

But this is not the time or place - which of course makes it all the more funny and soon you are both vibrating with stifled chortles and deep intakes of breath to try and squash the higher pitched little laughs. Finally, to put an end to the madness you surrender, turn your back on your partner and go for a little walk down the hallway to get back your serious zig-zag-fruit-killing composure, knowing that in a few hours you and your partner are going to get back into your ambulance sans patient and have a full out roar of laughter.

And that? That is AWESOME!