Only by pride cometh contention: but with the well-advised is wisdom. Proverbs 13:10
I have not been on my A-game of late. In anything. Seriously. Yesterday I could not make a decision on a lawn mower or a paint colour without second-guessing myself. It’s terrifying. This is coming from a girl that at 12 decided on her own that it was in her best interest to switch schools. Who at 17 moved out on her own because she didn’t want the RCMP deciding her life for her. Who at 19 decided in one day’s time to step out of post-secondary to pursue a career and at 21 took a massive pay cut to follow another calling. Who has spent over six years making decisions on behalf of the sick and injured and now she can’t make a decision between “windsor red” or “ruby red slippers”. Really. . ?
This is where it gets sticky and my thoughts get a bit muddy. Obviously this is a bit of a inadequacy issue (sigh. . .). However, what disappoints me is how I’ve been internalizing this “me” issue into an issue of pride, proving and leadership.
Let’s back it up again. I have been blessed with two specific things in regards to this issue. The first is having people who love me. The second is being surrounded by excellent leadership. By this I mean that I interact regularly with individuals whose leadership and judgement I have a high degree of trust in. I am very, very grateful for this blessing and I find a lot of peace and content in following their leadership. However, with this recent bout of indecisiveness I find myself thinking that this peace and contentment in being a humble and placated follower is making me dumb.
I think that’s pride talking. Pride starts telling me that people are doing things for me because they think I can’t do it or that I won’t do it right.” I want to paint my own furniture - but my dad doesn’t think I’ll do it right so he’s going to do it for me”, says Pride and Proving. “You need to give up that call to your partner because he would make better decisions than you would”, says Pride and Proving.
You see! I have to bring this to the light because pride and proving is a serious issue both personally and professionally. Personally it strains relationships and prevents new relationships. In this profession, at best it makes you into an arrogant prick and at worst it could kill someone.
This is why I love writing. When you organize your thoughts you find what you’re looking for. I’ve been writing this for a while now and I’m feeling a lot less muddy and can hear the truth.
Truth says “Dad’s going to paint your furniture because he loves you and its something he can do to help you out.” Truth says “Giving up the call is the logical thing to do, you need to brush up on that skill and your partner doesn’t think any less of you.”
The truth is that although I had to be a very independent youth, I have a different life now. Whereas a youth I didn’t feel I could rely on many people, that there wasn’t much for leadership outside of my parents, that there weren’t many people that cared about me - now everything is different.
In this new life I’m learning the importance of recognizing and dealing with weakness. I’m learning to trust people and to follow another’s lead. Instead of wallowing in feeling dumb, instead of worrying that I’ve lost my decision making skills I need to recognize and utilize and be thankful for what’s in front of me and work to develop the rest.
Like I said, I have people who love me and care about me. If they want to help me, I should be less concerned with equalizing and repayment and just grateful for their help. I need to value that I find rest in my faith fellowship. I should count it as a blessing that when I’m struggling in confidence I have people whose leadership I can trust and whose advice I value. I can learn from these people. This is an opportunity to practice humility and grace without shame. There is a season for everything and when this season is through I will be an even better decision maker because I will be balanced and learned and “well-advised” as the proverb puts it. I won’t worry about proving or feeling or looking dumb. I will be able to flow between leading and following without doubt as to my ability. I just will. With God’s help.
So now I’ve truly been open.
I went with “Ruby Red Slippers” by the way.
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