Bungy Jumping - Just Let Go

In July of 2009 I climbed above a rainforest canopy in Cairns, Australia and proceeded to jump and fall 50 metres with nothing but a tea towel (I kid you not) and a harnessed gigantic rubber band attached to my ankles.

It was one of the best things I have ever done in my entire life. I would honestly recommend it to anyone. You won't regret going through with it.

Going through with it the first time - that's the tricky part, even when you have every intention of following through. I left home for Australia already planning to make that jump. You may not know it by looking at me, but I'll pretty much try anything once (the exception being food - there  are some things I don't feel the need to ever put in my mouth). Bungy jumping had been on my list-of-crazy-things-to-do for awhile and when the day came to head to the rainforest I was totally pumped.

I was the only girl in the group willing to do it and I energetically led the climb up the 196 stairs to the top. The next thing I knew I was volunteering to go first and a tea towel was being wrapped around my ankles. I remember being thankful that I didn't have a fear of heights and for my EMS training as I had remarkable control over my adrenalin and had no pre-jump jitters. At least not until I shuffled my toes to the edge of the platform, looked out to the Great Barrier Reef and fully realized that I was actually going to have to voluntarily jump head-first off this tower. My right hand grabbed the conveniently placed bar and the thought ran through my head that I wasn't going to be able to do it. I still had no fear of heights but I sure learned that I had a fear of relinquishing control and jumping head first.

Thankfully, the jump tech makes a living out of convincing people to let go of that darn bar. From the moment he saw my hesitation he began talking softly and calmly to me. He told me three things.
1. Just put out your arms, take a deep breath and jump. Trust me, you won't die.
2. It seems scary right now but I promise, when you let go and let yourself fall, it will be the most exhilarating feeling of freedom ever!
3. You will never regret doing this and you can go home knowing that you've accomplished what you set out to do.

I chose to believe him. So on "1" I let go of the bar. "2"- I stretched my arms straight out from my sides. "3!"- I pushed off and let my self fall headfirst. A quick scream and then absolute euphoria filled me as I felt the freedom of falling without that fear of imminent death. The giant rubber band snapped me back up and I bounced around as I laughed uncontrollably. The idea that few short seconds ago I had been terrified to let go of a bar seemed ridiculous. I remember telling the guy that rowed out to me in the rubber dingy to hurry up and let me down so I could climb back up there and jump again. Then that's exactly what I did, except that now I was near giddy to let myself fall again.

Like I said,  it was one of the best experiences of my life and a good reminder that just because you think you want to commit to something and because you plan to commit doesn't necessarily mean that when it's time to jump you're not going to hang on to that bar of fear.

I've realized that's what it's like for a lot of us when it comes to Christ. Maybe you're like me. I grew up loving Jesus and going to church. When I was 12 I decided I wanted to be a Christian. I was eager and enthusiastic. I thought I was living for the Lord. It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized that I was still on top of that platform holding onto the bar for dear life. I had wanted to be there all along but when the time came I wasn't willing to let go of my life, trust God and fall headfirst into the new life Jesus was waiting to give me.

So I stood there trembling in fear and second guessing my decision. Thankfully, God provided me with experienced jump techs who basically assured me of those same three things that convinced me to jump that first day in the rainforest. They reassured me with Jesus' promise of eternal life, freedom, and a trip home with no regrets.

Even if you're a Christian, are you a Christian who was enthusiastic to get to the top but you're still there holding onto a bar or are you a Christian who decided to relinquish all control to Christ and jump headfirst into His plans?

In July of 2012, after a long time waiting at the top and many fears, I jumped headfirst into a new life with nothing but trust and faith in God's love and promise. It is the best thing I have ever done in my entire life. I would honestly recommend it to anyone. You won't regret going through with it.

Just let go.

God Brought Me Winter Tires

I'm not half-bad at playing house. I say playing house because that's what it feels like. Like not that long ago I was three feet tall and baking an imaginary cake in my imaginary kitchen and now I bake real cakes in my real kitchen in my beautiful house while throwing in a load of laundry, paying the bills, determining the most efficient heating strategy for the winter and trying to dust the living room before the timer on the cake goes off. I enjoy it. And like I said, I'm not half bad at it. I'm only around a 7 on the scale organizational awesomeness but when it comes to domestic ability it seems to do the trick most of the time.

The rest of the time it's not enough. Playing "real" house is hard work sometimes. Staying on top of everything requires vigilance, money and motivation. There are some parts of playing house that escape me at times, like changing the batteries in the smoke detector (whoops), keeping track of which week the town graces us with the favour of disposing of our garbage as it seems to change every month, shovelling my driveway and most sadly, keeping up with my car maintenance.

My poor car. I love it dearly though you would never know by looking at it. You'd think I'd be nicer to it considering its the only thing that's gotten me safely from point A to point B in the crazy-insane amount of driving I do. However, I usually take it completely for granted, that is until I start to feel that familiar vibration. You see, much like its owner, my sweet little car has a bit of an autoimmune disease that causes it to prematurely wreck its own tires. It can't be fixed. So my car and I, we go through a lot of tires. That's downright pricey.

I think any home owner would agree that home-owning in general is pricey and that when it comes to finances some months are better than others. This is not a particularly stellar month in the cheque book. In fact, I would describe this month as being a traumatic hemorrhage of money. Not a AAA per say, but not a paper cut by any means either. But what's a gal to do? I guess I'd rather have a financial hemorrhage than an ITLS case study with my name in it because I drove with bald tires through an early October snow storm (oh wait, that's exactly what I did). So I set out to my local OK Tire shop to get a quote.

One of the many great things about living in a small town is the local business owners. I walked in to OK Tire and my tire guy knows me by name and he knows the make and year of my vehicle off the top of his head. He's the only mechanic I actually trust when he says he knows what's wrong with my ambulance - so my tire issue, he's got that covered. Unfortunately, even with a good deal, the price of winter rims and tires, along with the knowledge that I'd need to buy new summer tires in a few bitterly cold months was enough to make my eyes water. So as I stood there, comprehending which route of credit debt I wanted to take, God intervened.

Seriously! Groan or shake your head or do what you will but its the truth. Sometimes we wait a long time for an answer to our prayers and sometimes the answer is "no". However, every once in awhile God answers our prayers in such a way that we can not even consider denying his absolute presence in our lives. In this case God answered my prayer lickety-split and my eyes were then watery from the awe of His goodness.

What happened? Well, my tire guy looked up from his paperwork and paused as he stared blankly for a moment before saying, "Wait a sec, there was a guy in here earlier who mentioned he needed to get rid of some winter tires for your model of car. Should I make a call for you?" My head was nodding faster than a bobble-head doll on a grader. Within 24 hours my amazing tire guy had contacted the seller, inspected the tires and negotiated a price for me. This intervention cut my cost in half. On top of that, the seller also had summer tires that had barely been used that he also sold to me for an awesome price.

I'm thankful that my tire-guy was willing to go out of his way to help me and that there just happened to be a man in the store earlier that day looking to sell some tires from a vehicle just like mine. Most of all, I'm happy and eternally excited that I have a Lord for whom no issue is too big or small for Him to care about and that He is teaching me to see Him in the little things, call for Him during the little things and trust Him in the little things.

Even if it's just a set of winter tires.

Heading into the Mission or Heading the Mission?

"Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost:"   ~ Matthew 28:19

You know how Girl Guides have those sashes that extend from one shoulder to the hip? They're covered in badges that the girls have earned by study, participation or accomplishment. There's the badges that everyone gets for baking a cake or looking after their family pet or sewing a straight line. Then there's that one special badge. The one that not everyone achieves, the one that takes more sacrifice and determination to get. The one that the other girls look at and go, "wow, you have that badge!" For me it was my snowshoeing badge. Not very many little girls got that badge and it was one I was proud to have sewn on my sash (and we're talking old-fashioned-rope-web-rabbit-foot-tall-as-me-real-deal-snow-shoes here, none of that lightweight aluminum stuff we have today). 

**Well, in the Christian sub-culture it could be argued that we have figurative sashes that we sew little badges on to. There's the conversion badge and subsequent baptism badge, the Christmas nativity badge (probably another badge just for girls if you have the honour of playing Mary), the church choir badge, the faithful tither badge, the Holy Matrimony badge, Sunday school teacher badge, guest speaker badge, scripture reading badge, committee leader badge, song leader badge, soup kitchen badge, I could go on but I think you get it. Then there's THE badge. The one you'll get the most questions about, the most ooooohs and aaaaahs, the one that proves that you are a dedicated, self-sacrificing Christ follower. . .The Missionary Badge. Da, da, Duuuummmmmm. 

Some churches, like mine, put a lot of emphasis on going to the mission field. We look at missionaries the way that the public looks at firefighters. We think of words like duty, sacrifice, heroism and we do it all with a feeling of awe. How many years did you spend in the mission? Wow, really? What was it like? Are you fluent in three languages now? What was the hardest thing you saw? Which disaster were you helping with? Did you cure a disease? Did you get a disease? 

Okay, well, we're not all so forthcoming with those exact questions but I'm just trying to get across that an overseas mission is the "Holy Grail" of Christian Service. In saying all this I am in no way trying to take away from the importance and dedication and sacrifice of committing to an overseas mission. After all, it is commanded of us. My question is are we over-emphasizing the overseas mission? Obviously I'm arguing that we are indeed doing just that. 

I remember as a kid when our school would be fundraising for the needy in developing countries. My dad would often wonder out loud about how it was that we could find money to give to people in other countries but we still had homeless and starving people in our own country - our own cities for that matter. These thoughts always stuck with me. The same could be said about the Gospel in other countries. Sure, there are lots of folk who have never heard the Gospel overseas - however, there are a lot of people at home who have never heard the Gospel either, or worse, have never heard it in a way that makes sense to them. 

A few years ago I had the pleasure of doing a ride-along with an outstanding Halton Region Paramedic and fellow Christ-follower. He has been on several missions, including a year spent in Haiti where he and his family were amidst the chaos of the earthquake when it happened. At this time I had not been on a mission yet and I was talking over different options with him. Then he said something to me that I will never forget. He said, "You know, Lexi, the greatest mission field we have is in the workplace." The greatest mission field is not in a third world country with a different language. The greatest mission field is wherever you are right now - wherever God has led you to at this moment. 

That's a powerful and sobering thought. Powerful because you have a mission at this very moment and sobering because think about how you went about your day today. Did you treat it as an opportunity to be a witness for Christ? Your greatest mission field is right here in front of you - but so is the toughest.

Which leads me to another thought. So many of us get excited when we have the opportunity to leave on an overseas mission. I was very excited when I was called to a short-term medical mission in El Salvador. It's a life-changing experience. In fact, I would go as far to say that for many of us, an overseas mission changes us more than it changes the people we meet (take that with a grain of salt). However, as quick as I was to accept the chance to jump into a a new situation in a new culture with new people I have to criticize myself for not accepting that chance on the home front.

How many of us actually go out of our comfort zones at home? I'm just observing that we spend a lot of time in each other's fellowship which is comforting and rejuvenating. I'm wondering though if we may need to confront the fact that shaking someone's hand after singing once a month is not missionary work. That spending all of our time with friends from church and in our own community does not spread the Good News. That being too self-concious to strike up a conversation does not further Christ's love or break down stereotypes. How can we take that comfort and rejuvenation we find in our own church and community and spread it outward?

Maybe we need to get a teensy-bit more excited about the mission field God has placed us in before we start longing for the mission field overseas.

Just a thought. 

"And he went out from thence, and came into his own country; and his disciples follow him." 

~Mark 6:1

**The earning badges thing is an illustration. A Christ-filled spirit realizes that these "badges" do not earn him or her a place in Heaven. Only through accepting Christ as saviour and his free forgiveness grants us a place in Heaven. The "badges" are things we are propelled to do through our love for Christ.

Stumbling on a Blessing (a.k.a Remy the Really, Really Good Painter)

Blessings are good right? That's a dumb question. Of course blessings are good. Just the word carries positive connotations. I'd even say that most of us are fairly grateful for the blessings we've already received. After some discussion at Sunday school today however, I'm wondering if we can begin to stumble over our blessings. I'm thinking that we can let our blessings alter our attitude, prevent us from participating in open fellowship and prevent us from fully communing with the Lord.

To better illustrate my thoughts (and mostly for my own amusement) I'm going to use a fictional story about "Remy, the Really, Really Good Painter".

Remy lived in a community of painters. Some were admittedly really poor painters, some were average painters and some were pretty good painters. There were a couple that were really good painters. However, God blessed Remy and made him a really, really good painter.

Remy knew that God had blessed him with this gift. He was thankful for it too. People paid more money for his paintings and so he had a nicer house. He got a lot of publicity for his paintings and so everyone knew his name and complimented him on his work. He also had a number of beautiful paintings to decorate his home and to give to people as gifts. Yup, Remy was one blessed dude. However, Remy didn't always know what to do with such a big blessing. He didn't always know it, but sometimes it caused him problems.

 Remy was a genuinely good guy, so he had lots of friends. One day he was painting with his friends. Some of his friends had finger paintings, some had paintings made for calendars, but Remy - his painting was fit for the Louvre. Everyone gathered around it. "Wow, Remy, that's a really, really, good painting! That's incredible!" Remy knew that it was a really, really good painting but like most people in the community Remy valued humility and he didn't want to seem boastful so he contained his smile and just said, "thanks, but it's not a big deal, I don't really care about this one". His friends turned to sheepishly put their only half-decent paintings away.

Remy's friends would often ask him to help them with their paintings. After he helped them perfect a certain brush stroke or get the shadowing just right his friends would say "Remy, thanks very much for helping me. I really appreciate it." Again, Remy didn't want to seem prideful so instead of saying "you're welcome" or "glad I could help" he got into the habit of saying "no worries" or "not a problem". A few of his friends became more hesitant to ask for his help.

One day, Remy and his friends were sitting in the coffee shop discussing painting. His friends were lamenting about how they often had difficulties mixing the colour hyacinth purple. Sometimes they used too much red or other times not enough blue. Remy didn't have any trouble mixing hyacinth. He was having trouble lately mixing lagoon green though. It was becoming troublesome that he couldn't quite get it the way he wanted. He figured he couldn't really complain though - after all he wasn't having the issues with hyacinth that the others were having. So when his buddy asked, "Remy, are you having any problems with your painting?" Remy answered, "I can't complain, I'm very blessed." Soon his friends began to worry that maybe they couldn't relate to Remy anymore or maybe he didn't trust them with his problems anymore.

Remy was excited when he read the tender for the commission of a painting for a The Snazzy Yacht Club. If he was chosen it would bring in enough money to pay off the mortgage on his parents house and have a enough left over for him to build a studio, or maybe a painting school! He put in his application. However, when he knelt to pray before bed that night he decided not to ask God for the blessing of receiving the commission. He felt that would be selfish. God had already blessed him soooo much, especially with his talent for painting. Remy didn't get the commission.

The next day Remy ran into his church pastor at the local Art Gallery. "Hey Remy, how did you ever get that commission for The Snazzy Yacht Club?"
"No I didn't actually," said Remy.
"Oh, that's too bad. I supposed God decided to answer that prayer with a 'no' then eh?" Said the pastor who was a bit odd and had a habit of making awkward statements.
"I didn't talk to God about it," admitted Remy. "I thought it would be selfish to ask God for more blessings on top of the ones he's already given me."
"Hmmm," the pastor paused. "Well Remy, let me ask you this - If you heard a child asking their parent to feed them supper, even though the parent fed them supper the night before, and the night before that - would you think that child was selfish?"
"No, of course not," said Remy.
"Well Remy, remember you are a child of God."
Remy raised his eyebrows and nodded as he considered what the pastor's reminder. "I've never thought of it that way. I never considered that I could let my blessing get in the way with talking to God."

Remy began to consider where else his blessings were causing him to stumble. . .

~***~

So that's Remy the Really, Really Good Painter. Like I said I was thinking about this today as a few of us were discussing how sometimes we don't ask God for something, or we feel bad about asking God for something because we've already received so many blessings. We forget that God wants us to tell Him everything and that he wants to give us good things. Later on I began to think on what other issues could arise from our blessings.

The first and most obvious one I thought of was pride. It begins when we forget that we are nothing without God and start taking the credit for ourselves. However, we all know that arrogance and boasting is bad, so I moved on to thinking about things that might not be so obvious.

If feeling we're overly blessed could keep us from talking to God and keeping fellowship with Him then it could probably keep us from open fellowship with our friends. We don't want to sound like we're ungrateful and complaining so we don't open up to our friends about our day-to-day trials. We forget that there's a difference between complaining to our friends and open discussion and mutual support from our friends - especially when we face the same or similar issues. There can also be more humility in accepting a compliment with a simple thank you or accepting a thank you with a simple "you're welcome" than there is with trivializing it.

It was a new thought to me that even when God gives us a great blessing we run the possibility of stumbling while we strive to be humble and grateful for that same blessing. Just thought I'd share my thoughts. What do you think?

In Spite of Our Grief

This post is not on facebook, nor does it have any labels. So if you're reading this its because you have a habit of reading this blog or you're a friend. In which case I won't need to explain too much about the recent history of this post, nor will I.

When you work in EMS accident scenes are just that - a scene. Usually they are fairly run of the mill. Then there are the accident scenes that you know are going to be bad, just by listening to the dispatch information. When you hear the report from dispatch as you are driving towards a huge rising plume of black smoke you pray and you pray hard. You start to go over your protocols, your pediatric drug dosages, BSA percentages - anything so that when you step out of that ambulance you feel prepared.

You park a safe distance away and begin to walk, ignoring anything that you can't fix - whether its a two vehicles engulfed in huge, intensely hot fire or a swarming group of bystanders frantically telling you what they think you need to be doing. Nope, you just carry on towards the Medic that was first on scene, the one who will assign you a patient - the patient that you're mentally prepared to take care of.

It's a good thing that you're mentally prepared. It's a good thing that people who work in this industry typically have the trait that allows them to mentally overcome emotionally disturbing sights. Because nothing prepares you emotionally for when you walk up to your patient, remove the massive queen-size comforter that's been wrapped around them and look in to the grief-stricken face of your friend. Nothing.

It's four days later now and where do we go from here?

I think of the saying, "Inside of me is a weak heart but behind it is a strong God." This weekend I was reminded of how truly weak my heart is. How quick I was to question God's plan, question his grace, how defenseless I left myself to the devices of the evil one. I've been upset because it's like looking through a window, I can see God at work but I can't feel him through the glass. I don't feel His comfort.

Emotionally I don't feel God's comfort, but mentally I know it exists. I don't doubt. I don't doubt where Les is. I don't doubt that he's beyond happy. And I definitely don't doubt that this is part of God's plan. It just sucks is all and it doesn't feel good. There's no warm and fuzziness. But now that things are calming down, I know that God is not witholding His comfort from me - it's me that's not letting Him close. It was pointed out to me that if I can see God's work through the glass but can't feel him it's because He's on the outside and he's waiting for me to open the window.

There is the miracle that Tony and the boys are okay. I cling to that. As the days go on I can start to see more blessings. I was thinking about what I would want if I was in an accident. The truth is, I would want my EMS friends to be the ones to look after me and my family. I would be comforted to see my friends from the fire department there. I'd want my friend to tell me first that my loved one was dead. I'd want my friends to pray with me on the side of the highway. To have familiar, loving faces there in my time of need would be such an amazing blessing at such a terrible time.

When I think of that - I don't feel I need to ask God "why?" anymore. When I can think of it like that I feel honoured that God let me be there for my friends in their time of need.

I want to work on getting that window all the way open before the funeral so I can bring God's comfort to others as my friends have been doing for me.

So, if you are part of our community's story I hope you can feel God's comfort working in and around you. If you're struggling then at least know that I understand and that I do believe that God is waiting to give us comfort too if we just let Him all the way in.

"We rejoice in spite of our grief, not in place of it." -Woodroll Kroll

Cam

My brother, Cam, got married a week ago today. It was a wonderful occasion. We are all very aware that Cam is incredibly blessed to have his wife, Kyla at his side. She's the full package. Smart, beautiful, kind and funny. She balances him, organizes him and has demonstrated that she will love and care for him no matter the circumstances.

However, because Cam is my only sibling, because he just got married and because I can, I want to take some space to talk about the kind of guy that Kyla's married. It's often been noted in literature that there is no one in the world that is a closer genetic match to you than your sibling. There is no one else, who when your parents are gone, will be able to remember your early lives other than your siblings. They are often your first playmate, your first adversary and your first defender. For Cam and myself this is the case.

My parents basically gave me Cam as a present on my 3rd birthday. That was the first day I met him. Born the night before, he had breathing complications that saw him rushed to the NICU before my mom even got to hold him. Obviously he survived but he scared my mom out of having anymore children. As I sat there on my mom's hospital bed looking at him, I was very puzzled as to why they were naming him after a camera. I distinctly remember thinking 'he sure doesn't look like a camera'.

Cam was my first playmate. We both had amazing imaginations and as a bonus, Cam was the more laid back of the two of us and was usually happy to go along with whatever I decided we were playing. We slid down the stairs on couch cushions, built forts, flew Barbie/G.I Joe helicopter missions, played street  and hallway hockey together. When it was windy outside we would imagine we were preparing for, and then running from a tornado. Cam happened to have blue carpet and a Captain's bed in his room which made for an instant game of fishing, sailing and being rescued from sharks when we fell overboard.

There are a few family stories that revolve around me mistreating my brother. Notably that I put him in the dryer once (though I didn't do it maliciously) and that I held him under water in the kiddie pool (I did do that maliciously). I may have also witnessed Cam taste testing three different types of soap and dog treats. However, it was Cam who all on his own, dumped a box of salt straight into his mouth thinking it was sugar. It was Cam who took the oil can and oiled EVERYTHING in dad's workshop and Cam who decided to build a new electrical appliance out of old spare parts and then attempted to plug it in to the wall. Fortunately mom's spidey-sense was tingling and she caught him just as the plug headed for the socket.

Sometimes, after I had received a severe punishment and was crying in my room, Cam would come in and hug me and try to make me laugh. I remember standing in the school yard one day in elementary school while a group of bullies hurled insults and threats at me. Cam saw me and he simply walked over ignored the bullies and taking me by the hand, led me away. That was the type of kid my little brother was.

Now I want to talk about the type of man Cam is today. There are some things I continue to share with my brother. We are both extremely avid readers. We both love dogs. We enjoy debating politics and current events. Cam's the only person who could get away with phoning me at 8 a.m. on a Saturday just so we could debate the Wildrose Party vs. the Conservative party while we're still lying in our respective beds. We enjoy hiking, soccer and hockey and we both love that we're Albertans. Cam is one of the only people who can get away with calling me by my full name.

Cam makes an effort to converse with every person in the service industry he meets. Whether they are a waitress, janitor, salesperson or cashier, at the very least he will have learned their name and how their day is going before he leaves, if not more. He takes the time to thank them with sincerity for the job that they do. Cam is the type of guy who will go out and pick up a friend in the middle of the night when they need a designated driver. He's the kind of guy who will spot you the money to pay for your meal and then tell you later not to worry about it. He's the guy who can listen to you rant about your most recent problem and he won't tell you that you're being irrational, even if you are. Cam will even walk you to your car to make sure that you get there safe. One of the best things about Cam is that when you are feeling blue he will do his best to cheer you up and make you laugh.

When I was on practicum, Cam took two of his days off just to come babysit my dog for me. After Cam got rid of his truck he went back to the yard and got permission to take off the tailgate just because I'd asked him if I could have it for a friend. Cam took me with him to pick out an engagement ring, not because he needed me but because he knew it would mean a lot to me. Just before his wedding Cam spent most of a day with me while I ran the most boring errand ever. When I walked down the aisle at his wedding and finally made eye contact with him through the tears that were welling up he smiled at me and in typical Cam-fashion said "Hey, how's it going?"

At his own wedding reception Cam was down on the ground with a server trying to pick up the shards from someone's broken glass. He danced numerous times with the four-year-old flower girl and he stopped to take a meal to our grandfather's room because he was too ill to come to the wedding. Earlier that day Cam related that he was "marrying the love of my life" and he meant it very seriously.

Cam is the type of guy who told Kyla very early on in their relationship that he doesn't believe in "taking a break". He figures that if that is the case you might as well end the relationship. He believes that if you are willing to "take a break" then you are not willing to try to work through tough times and disagreements. If you are not committed enough to stay by your partner's side when things get rough then you're not ready to be in a relationship. Pretty wise stuff eh?

That's Cam. He loves Kyla, he's committed to her and he's an over all really, really good guy, not to mention a great brother.

So, sorry girls. My brother? He's taken.

Enough

If you read this blog on a semi-regular basis and think to yourself, "man, she sure writes a lot of religiousy type stuff" I hope it doesn't annoy you too much. I don't mean to be preachy and I certainly hope I don't come off that way. I like to write what I know, what I wonder, and what I'm learning in the hopes that there's other people out there who can relate with me on these day-to-day things too. Thankfully for me, God is an every day, real part of my life, so He inevitably comes up in most of my writing. I can't really apologize for that. So if you're still reading this I guess you don't mind. Thanks for coming by here. I always enjoy reading messages or feel free to subscribe on the upper right hand area of the page. Anyhoo. . .

I don't know about you guys but when I was growing up I used to wonder what it was like to be an adult. When I was about 15, my mom helped me with a school project where we had to plan out a budget with a mortgage, bills, groceries etc. I don't remember the specific numbers but what my mom remembers was that I was in tears because based on the realistic budget I had created I was going to have to ride my bike everywhere as I wouldn't be able to afford car payments or gas.

Yes, on that day reality set in and I figured that being an adult mostly meant trying to balance a budget and deal with money woes.

A few years ago, I remember having the revelation that being an adult was all about problem solving. Which really it is, you constantly are solving problems and managing your time. However, I've decided that there's another facet to what adulthood feels like - inadequacy.

Do you ever feel like you're doing a less than adequate job in your life roles? My goodness, there's always something I feel I'm sucking at. If I don't feel like an inadequate friend than I'm an inadequate paramedic, an inadequate sister, an inadequate mommy to my my fur-baby, an inadequate Christian. 

On one hand it keeps a girl humble but on the other hand it's quite discouraging. I'm not smart enough, I'm not friendly enough, I'm not home enough, I'm not giving enough, I'm not helping enough, I'm not cleaning enough. I'M JUST NOT ENOUGH. 

It's enough to make a person nutty. So this week, when it just felt like I just couldn't keep up, couldn't do everything or know everything, when I couldn't give the love I wanted to give, find the time to meet with someone, keep up with the housework, get the car washed, run those long awaited errands or even get food I just had to stop.

Stop. Breathe. Forgive myself for not being what I expect of myself. Do what I can get done while I can do it. Then thank God, because God makes me enough. 

Truly, God knows that I can't do it and know it all. He just asks that I talk to him when I feel like a complete loser. He's the best person to talk to because He doesn't see me that way. Because Jesus died for me God only sees me with love. He is the one who makes me enough. 

Thank goodness for that. I may not be enough for another but I'm always enough for God. There's another saying I like to keep in mind too. "God doesn't call the qualified. He qualifies the called." You might think you're not up to the standard needed to get a job done, but rest assured, if God calls you to do something and you allow Him to work in your life, He will empower you to accomplish what he seeks. I have found this to be true. 

So yes, being an adult usually revolves around managing money, always revolves around problem solving and sometimes revolves around just trying to be good enough to make it through. As long as it always, always, always revolves around God I think we'll be more than okay.

Now to get going on that massive To-Do list. . .

"I pray that from from His glorious, unlimited resources He will empower you with inner strength through His spirit. Then Christ will make His home in your hearts as you trust in Him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and make you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high and how deep His love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God. Now all glory to God, who is able, through His mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. "

Ephesians 3:16-20

Randomness x 15

I so enjoyed reading my friend Jenn's "15 Random Things About Me" post that I figured I'd be a copy cat and do one too. Here goes -

1. I think spotting a rabbit is lucky. I decided this as a teenager when walking home from school one day. I don't exactly remember how it came about, but it was probably a really good day and then a rabbit came dashing past and I thought "wow, a rabbit cool! This is such a good day!" Since then I when I see a jack rabbit I think it's going to be a particularly good day.

2. I can't smell skunk. Seriously, I have no idea what people are talking about when they're complaining about skunk. I once mistook a skunk for a cat in the dark and just about got close enough to pet it. I'm not that weird though. I read somewhere that 15 per cent of the population actually can't smell skunk either.

3. I'm kind of torn between wanting an Alpaca farm or a petting zoo. Alpaca fur brings in some nice cash, but they're kind of smelly. However, they are cute in a special way and I wouldn't need to kill and eat them. Instead I could name them and sell their ridiculously priced hair. If I had a petting zoo I could have a menagerie of sweet stinky little animals that I could look after and name. I'd want a miniature pony and a rabbit, a goat (particularly a fainting goat), some ducks, a couple of sheep, maybe a donkey so we could have a live nativity at Christmas, and a smaller, non-ugly pig. Heck, might as well throw an alpaca in there too. Oh, and a porcupine.

4. When I was small (2-3 yrs) my favourite show was "The Littlest Hobo" about a german shepherd dog that travels around helping people. When the ending song, "Maybe Tomorrow" came on I would cry my eyes out - not because the show was over, but because I was so incredibly upset that the dog had to get on a train and move around and that he didn't have a home and a little girl to love him. To this day hearing that song makes me tear up.

5. I have what my mom refers to as "social batteries". I do really well talking to people and socializing and being congenial and out-going but then when my batteries run low, I'm pretty much done. I need quiet time to recharge my batteries before I can be sociable again.

6. I love, love, love blooming canola fields. I look forward to them every summer. It is one of the most beautiful things about living here.

7. When I was in high school and university I would not even start a 20 page paper until a day or two before the due date and still get it done on time, complete with documented research and receive an "A". I was seriously that awesome. It was like a super power. Now I'm lucky if I can complete a To-Do list over the course of a day.

8. I love pretty much anything to do with the English language. I love to read, I love to write, I like quotes, I like word games, I like that I can correctly spell words that I've never heard or used before. I like singing, I like writing poetry, I like word pictures. If it has English in it I can conquer it. Now, numbers and math. . .not so much. . .

9. When I was three my dad went to RCMP training at Depot. While he was gone my mom and brother and I lived with my grandma for six months. During that period I obtained an imaginary friend named Jamie. My mom never figured out if Jamie was a boy or a girl. However, on Canada Day that year we had gone to a park for the celebrations and while we were there I began explaining to my aunt and my mom that before Jamie was my friend, Jamie had been shot and there was lots and lots of blood. I have no memory of this imaginary friend now. Creepy.

10. On another weird childhood note, I used to be able to "smell" the dark. This only applied to when I was outside in the dark and I used to tell my parents that the night smelled evil. I do remember what it smelled like back then but I rarely smell it now and usually when I do its a really cold winter night.

11. I have tons upon tons of happy family memories. Most of them are not about trips or cool presents. They're not about fancy birthday parties or toys. A lot of them are about simple, every day family suppers, about my dad coming home from work or my mom making potato soup. They're about playing imagination games with my brother in the back yard. I cherish memories from when I was a teen and my parents, brother and I were lucky enough to have a hot tub that we would sit in together and look at the stars and ponder life's questions. I want to remember with my own kids that a beautiful childhood is not about the money you spend to give your kids the right clothes and the right toys and the right vacations. A beautiful childhood is about spending time as a family, knowing that you're loved, laughing together, and realizing that all of that is enough. Everything else is gravy, not the main course.

12. I feel that author C.S. Lewis is one of the most profound and brilliant writers to ever live upon this earth. I highly, highly recommend his works, particularly Mere Christianity and The Screwtape Letters.

13. I think one of my best traits since I've grown up is adaptability. Although I don't always like change, I actually tend to handle it quite well as long as I don't let attitude get in my way. I've decided that it's this trait that's enabled me to work in EMS, to travel the world, to live a plain life style, and even when it comes to letting God be in charge of my life (though that last one does take constant effort still). I know that I get this trait from my mom. She's like that too, except she does it all with a smile to boot.

14. I have a small dog and he is my baby. He's a bright light in my world. His name is Jack Daniels and he is certainly the cutest, sweetest and funniest dog alive.

15. One of the most comforting things I've learned about life is that there is always something you can do when things go wrong. This is because no matter what the situation, you can always pray. God's got a handle on things when you don't. Just pray!

My baby Jack :)

A Field of Glory

She was a rolling meadow small, skirts of grasses, but weeds as tall
Her wild flowers, untamed and fair led her to ignore the patches bare
Where not a green thing grew at all
And the sun, why she basked in its bliss, unaware
She was burning from its hot, dry kiss.

Then, one ragged day He came,
Plan in place He began to toil
His work, it ripped through and overturned her soil
Crushed her wild flowers down,
Uprooted the grasses of her gown
She cried in pain, "Just leave me be,
Can't you see you're hurting me?"

He did not stop but worked harder still,
He pulled the weeds that had grown so tall
All burrows were filled, so as not to fall
He broke the ground so dry and cracked
He was not discouraged by what she lacked

Horrified she looked around and all she saw was broken ground
Dusty field of brown and black, spread with muck on top of that
But now He whispered as He sowed
A promise of new life with every throw

"Shhh, small one, do not weep
My plans for you may seem but meek
But trust me and you won't be sorry,
I'll make you into a field of glory"

She ceased to cry and when she did
Tears from Heaven flowed instead
Rain immersed her ground and washed her clean
New growth, new life, she was redeemed

She loved Him now and bore His work
A meadow small she could not be
"I'll be His field of glory!"
She spoke determinedly

And where she had been stripped to dirt and dust
She grew straight and tall, leaving Him her trust
So now she wears an emerald gown
Her hair bright gold and eyes of sky
She dances in joy as the wind blows by

Because He's making her a field of glory
Fulfilling the promise that she won't be sorry
A song of courage and truth she hums
She knows she'll be with Him when the harvest comes.

~L.L.M.

The Unknown Future

Fear not, little flock; for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the Kingdom

Luke 12:32

It would be so nice if the moment we became Christians we would be able to just trust God completely and be content with our lot in life. Unfortunately, if you’re anything like me, you may find that trusting God is like sunshine on a cloudy day. It feels so good when the sun is shining down on you with its bright, warm rays, but then a group of clouds pass over and suddenly its shadowy and cool and it goes back and forth like that between sun and cloud all. day. long. 

The peace that comes when you give your troubles to the Lord is such a comfort - but for me it always seems fleeting. Its not long before my worries or doubts cloud over again and I’m left wondering if I ever really trusted God with the issue in the first place. 

I’m particularly guilty of playing the “alternate universe” game. Its where your mind leads you to consider how your life may have looked if you had taken a different path that was offered to you in your past. I’m quite happy with where my life has taken me, so the little trips down reminiscence road are really a complete waste of time. What’s worse than this useless indulgence in the past however, is when I take the same game into the future which I have a feeling is a bit of an insult to God. After all, there is a difference between conscientious planning and responsibility in regards to the future and apprehensive, anxious preparations for a future that is unlikely to make you nearly as squirrelly as your pre-planning has made you.

What I’m getting at is that when I let my mind run amok with anxieties about what “could” happen or what “might” not happen - when I daydream about this possibility or that potential problem I’m not only being disrespectful to the God who has it all figured out for me, I’m being an irrational, stressed out moron. 

First, worrying is not a productive move. You can’t fix something that isn’t broken, you can’t plan a route when you don’t know your destination. My favourite saying about worry is that it’s like a rocking chair - it gives you something to do but it doesn’t get you anywhere. Trusting in God on the other hand. . .well. . .I guess it may not always feel productive but it allows you use your brain for more productive things while building your faith and its what we have been commanded to do. Personally, looking back at how things have unfolded in my life I can get a glimpse of God’s plan and it is stunning and beautiful thus far - why shouldn’t I trust Him?

Second, if I’m worrying about the future because I’m concerned about my happiness (which is usually why I’m worrying about the future) then I’m forgetting the point of my life in Jesus Christ. Circumstances never last and are always changing. If you are basing your happiness and your faith for that matter, on your life circumstances you will forever be in a cycle of searching, finding, doubting and disillusionment. Your happiness and contentment will be tied to what’s going on in your life and lets face it, what’s going on in your life will not always be rainbows, bunnies and butterflies. 

We need to remember that the only certain and solid thing in this life is God. Our happiness and contentment in this crazy world should to be tied to Him and Him alone. Nothing else can withstand the anti-rainbows, anti-bunnies and flies. There is no peace and lasting happiness apart from God. 

I “know” all this but sometimes its not enough. I’m the type of person that will probably always need to reconsecrate my future to the Lord. And since trust becomes stronger the better you know someone I need to continue to get to know the Lord by reading the Bible and hanging onto his words whenever I start to become consumed with worry. The other practice that can soothe this weakness is prayer. I really think that its not enough to just try to ignore a worry - you have to make the conscious decision to give it over the Lord and talk through it with Him. 

When you read this I would consider it a blessing if you would pray for me, that I might be able to hand over my worries and concerns to the Father and use my brain for more productive pursuits. If there’s anything you’ve found helpful when you get caught up in your worries I’d like to hear that too. 

"And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest? Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass, which is alive in the field today, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will He clothe you, O you of little faith! And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried. For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them. Instead, seek His kingdom, and these things will be added to you.”

Luke 12: 25-31

A Free Gift from The King: Part 3

Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. -Ephesians 2:9, The New Testament (NLT version)

In the last post I did my best to explain simply and quickly how it is that we are saved from death. That it is because of our faith that God gives us the free gift of salvation, forgiving us our sins and making us new. Like I said, I can say that with all confidence. I stake my life on it.

What I didn't talk about in the last post is the debate about how "good works" fit into the picture. These would be considered the actions that make us "good people"; freely giving what we have to offer and practicing the virtues (patience, humility, love, kindness, etc). Honestly, this isn't what I want to talk about in this post, so I'm going to give my opinion with scripture and leave it at that for now so we can move on. I just think its a bit neglectful to write on justification by faith without talking about works.

I believe that "good works" are the result of your love for Christ. They are the fruits of being a Christ-follower, not the qualifications, because as I have been trying to explain, there is no way we "qualify" for God's grace by our actions. Salvation and good works to me go hand-in-hand, they cannot be separated. When you love God you want to do good works because you know it makes God happy and that in turn makes you happy. I don't want to say it's always the most natural thing to do, but every time we put away our own desires to help someone else we spiritually grow into more mature followers.

"And since it is through God's kindness, then it is not by their good works. For in that case, God's work  would not be what it really is - free and undeserved."

Romans 11: 5-7

"What good is it dear brothers and sisters, if you say you have faith but don't show it by your actions? Can that kind of faith save anyone? Suppose you see a brother or sister who has no food or clothing, and you say, "Good-bye and have a good day; stay warm and eat well" - but then you don't give that person any food or clothing. What good does that do? So you see, faith by itself isn't enough. Unless it produces good deeds, it is dead and useless."

James 2: 14-17

What I really want to discuss is how we lose our salvation. Actually, I don't want to even talk about the "how" part. I want to talk about the "we" part. I get this sense every once in awhile that Christians have this image of God coming down from Heaven with a fiery fist and taking the gift of their salvation away from them when they take a hard spiritual fall. Frankly, this just hasn't sat well with me, and I didn't figure out why until a little awhile ago.

God cannot be untrue to Himself. He will follow through with everything He has decreed because He is truth. He cannot be contrary. This is why He goes to the effort of creating covenants with us and why He had to give His son to save us from death, instead of just wiggling a finger and making the price of sin a life lived out with turkeys instead of eternal death. God is truth.

Therefore, God will not come down and take away salvation from you because you screwed up. Why? because God has given us a gift - a thing given willingly to someone without payment. Furthermore, He has told us that we are completely underserving of that gift, there is nothing we could do to deserve it.

Therefore, if salvation is a gift and there was nothing you could do to deserve it, then there is nothing you could do that could warrant God taking it away from you. First, because you don't take back a gift - otherwise it wouldn't be a gift. Secondly because if you didn't deserve it in the first place you can't really sink any lower, can you? Rest assured, it will not be God that causes you to lose your salvation.

However, let me be clear that you can lose your salvation. The operative word in that sentence is "lose" mind you. I am confident that God will not take the gift of salvation from you. However, once someone gives you a gift, they trust you to look after it and take care of it. If you lose that gift you're out of luck. This is how people lose their salvation. They might set it down for a bit and forget where they left it. They may lock it up and try to forget about it. They might let someone else take it away from them or they might drop it somewhere due to carelessness. Some have even sold it for material things.

You need to carry your salvation with you all of the time. You need to do maintenance on it and you need to be thankful that you have such a gift. As I was trying to illustrate in the allegory, if the King calls you home and you don't have the keys (the gift of salvation) on you, you're not going to be able to get in.

So you see, I'm very confident that you and you alone are responsible for the free gift that God gives you. He won't take it away. He loves you! He desperately wants you to be with Him. He has made you right in His eyes by the death of his son and has adopted you into the family. Of course He's not going to determine you're a moron undeserving of salvation because you made a mistake! When He sees you've lost your gift He cries and desperately wants you to go back and look for it, to find it again, polish it up, wear it with humility and talk to Him. He is your Father. He wants to do good things for you if you would accept His gift, look after it, and be ready to come home when He calls.

And we never know when that call is going to come.

A Free Gift from The King: Part 2

It's easy to get caught up in abstract and complicated ideas when it comes to theology. Sometimes I worry that I spend too much time debating the abstract and not enough time brushing up on the basics. I also worry about how people on the outside interpret the Christian faith. I fear that some have the impression of a people bound by rules and doctrines, who are constantly striving to be good enough while simultaneously telling others that they are not good enough. If this is how you view Christians I sincerely apologize. That is why I want to talk about what I consider to be a basic tenet of being a Christ-follower that I think some non-Christians would be surprised to learn about.

The little story I made up about the young, rebellious prince and the loving King in the last post, A Free Gift from The King Part 1, is an allegory to help explain this tenet. It's something we call "justification by faith alone".  You may also hear it paraphrased as "sola fide" - by faith alone. 

I'm going to be blunt here. Have you ever spoken to someone who has told you that in order to qualify for entrance into heaven you need to accomplish so many good deeds, dress a certain way, give a determined amount of money, be perfect, have never made a mistake, etc? They might have made it out to sound like a spiritual scavenger hunt or they may have made you feel like unless you start caring for children on the streets of Calcutta you are screwed.

I'm going to tell you with complete confidence that they could not be farther from the truth. If they truly believe they can earn their way into Heaven then they have totally missed the boat and I would be concerned that they are oblivious to the fact that they are drowning. There is nothing you can do to earn your way into Heaven. I can say this with confidence because New Testament authors take pages to try and explain this.

"Brothers, listen! We are here to proclaim that through this man Jesus there is forgiveness for your sins. Everyone who believes in Him is declared right with God - something the law of Moses could never do."

Acts 13:38, The New Testament (NLT version)

The Law of Moses was the rules that governed every aspect of Jewish life. Following these laws was considered necessary to be right with God. They included rules on what you could eat and not eat, how you planted your crops, how many tassels could be on your cloak, how you made tools and even how you had to deal with bodily functions like menustruation. Does this list of requirements sound vaguely familiar? The predominant-must-always-do-to-make-God-happy was the blood sacrifice of a pure and clean animal (often a sweet cuddly-wuddly little lamb). It was nuts! It was basically impossible to follow all of these laws to a T. Everyone who realized this was majorly stressed out as they did their best to check off everything on their scavenger hunt list. Then there were these guys called Pharisees who liked to go around pretending that all of these laws were totally reasonable and that they nailed every one of them all the time (they were lying) and that if they could do it, you should be able to do it too. 

But the regular folk were realizing that nothing they did was good enough to gain favour with God. Being stressed and preoccupied with all of these laws wore down the people and I think that over time they forgot how much God loved them. That's why they weren't really on their toes when God sent his son, Jesus (our Saviour, Messiah, the promised one - that's right, for years God promised that He would make everything right). Jesus is the definition of awesome and because the Bible does a far better job telling about his life with us than I could I will just cut to the chase. 

Ultimately, God loved us so much that he wanted to be right with his people forever without all the stressful scavenger hunts and bloody baby sheep. But if you've watched the news lately you'd have to admit that generally speaking our species is a pretty messed up bunch and it would take a big heaping sacrifice of purity to make up for all of that.  So God sent his only son, Jesus, to die like a sacrificial lamb so that any one of us who believes in him would no longer be chained to a rule book and dead sheep, but would instead be justified with God, even though they had done nothing to deserve it. 

"Therefore, since we have been made right in God's sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God's glory. We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confidant hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because He has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with love. When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners. God showed His great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. And since we have been made right in God's sight by the blood of Christ, He will certainly save us from God's condemnation."

Romans 5:1-9, The New Testament (NLT version)

That's pretty much the best part but if you stay tuned I have a few more thoughts on the subject. . .

Oh the sacrificial cuteness.

A Free Gift from The King: Part 1

Once upon a time, in a beautiful kingdom, there was a young prince who was not particularly well-behaved. He was rude to the servants, brushed off his responsibilities, was always late and made fun of the disfigured. He didn't care too much about his title or his kingdom because he had older brothers and sisters who were all very responsible and who would inherit the kingdom. He would never have the glory or the riches that came with being a king. In fact he hardly ever bothered to speak to his father the King and he pretty much figured that his father didn't give a hoot about him or what he did.

Until one day, while he was relaxing under a tree, pondering what to do with all of his spare time he thought he heard his father calling for him. He ignored the call at first, annoyed that he should be bothered. Then after awhile he began to wonder what the old man wanted. It felt as though he hadn't seen his father in ages. With a sigh he got up and went to look for his father. He wasn't in the throne room. The Prince felt like giving up the search right then. After all, if it was so important, his father should just come and tell him so. But just then he met his older sister who said she could show him where to find their father. Why not? thought the Prince, I was bored anyway. He let his sister guide him out into the Royal Garden. She pointed him in the direction of their father who the young Prince could now see sitting on an ornate bench surrounded by vines with huge blossoming golden flowers. In the King's lap was a small mirrored box, reflecting rays of sun onto his father's aged face. The King turned then, and seeing his son in the garden he ran to his son, laughing and holding him in a warm embrace. The Prince was a bit stunned - he didn't remember his Father being so loving or so full of joy.

"Come son, sit beside me here in the garden, I want to speak to you," said the King as he motioned the Prince to sit on the bench to his right. "Son, let's not beat around the bush," said the King. I love you. I love you more than you could ever imagine and it has broken my heart not to have you near me. I want to give you the most valuable thing I have. I want to give you the keys to the Kingdom. I want you to rule by my side." The King handed the little mirrored box to the young Prince.

The Prince was absolutely stunned. He had come to the garden expecting to maybe just catch up with the old man, probably get scolded at worst. However, now his father wanted him, the least deserving of the family to inherit the Kingdom. This must be a joke, he thought. He caught his reflection in the top of the mirrored box and for the first time he really saw himself clearly and he was saddened by how he was living.

"Father, you've got to be kidding me. You must not have any idea of what I have done," said the Prince.

"Sure I do," said the King. You've lied and cheated, you've been selfish, prideful and rude, you've been lustful, crude, uncaring. You've been petty and you've held hate in your heart. You have hurt others and you have disrespected even me. I know you don't deserve what I'm giving you, but frankly, there's nothing you could have done to deserve a gift this awesome. I hate what you have done in the past, but I love you and I can forgive everything you've done. All you have to do is accept my gift to you. I promise you that I mean it son. I. love. you. Do you believe me?"

The Prince was amazed that this was happening to him, but his father was speaking with such sincerity and such overwhelming love that the Prince knew he was speaking the truth.
"Yes father, I believe you. I will accept the keys to the Kingdom. But father, please, I have not learned how to live like a good son and prince. If it pleases you, allow me to leave the kingdom and travel to the far, far away places where I can meet people and learn how to be a good servant so that I will return knowing how to be a good ruler. I want to tell everyone I meet along the way of the wonderful gift you have given me."

The King pondered this for a moment. "Son, that is a very honourable request. The keys to the Kingdom are yours and they are freely given to you. I will never seek to take them away from you. Hold them close to your heart and through them you and I will always be able to hear and speak to each other. However, when you venture into the far, far away lands you will encounter many dangers. If you lack vigilance you may lose the keys, or there may be people who would seek to take them from you. Remember too that the farther away you are from the Kingdom the heavier the keys become and you may become tired and stumble. Above all things, remember that the day will come when I will summon you back to the Kingdom. If you arrive at the gates without the keys you will be locked out forever, stuck wandering the far, far away lands. Please son, be careful. You belong here with me."

So the Prince set out to learn how to lead by serving others. Even though he traveled in joy and faith he was beset by some troubles in the far, far away lands. But that is a story for another time. . .

The End.

"Right Spirit Maintenance" Part 2

Only by pride cometh contention: but with the well-advised is wisdom. Proverbs 13:10

I have not been on my A-game of late. In anything. Seriously. Yesterday I could not make a decision on a lawn mower or a paint colour without second-guessing myself. It’s terrifying. This is coming from a girl that at 12 decided on her own that it was in her best interest to switch schools. Who at 17 moved out on her own because she didn’t want the RCMP deciding her life for her. Who at 19 decided in one day’s time to step out of post-secondary to pursue a career and at 21 took a massive pay cut to follow another calling. Who has spent over six years making decisions on behalf of the sick and injured and now she can’t make a decision between “windsor red” or “ruby red slippers”. Really. . ?

This is where it gets sticky and my thoughts get a bit muddy. Obviously this is a bit of a inadequacy issue (sigh. . .). However, what disappoints me is how I’ve been internalizing this “me” issue into an issue of pride, proving and leadership. 

Let’s back it up again. I have been blessed with two specific things in regards to this issue. The first is having people who love me. The second is being surrounded by excellent leadership. By this I mean that I interact regularly with individuals whose leadership and judgement I have a high degree of trust in. I am very, very grateful for this blessing and I find a lot of peace and content in following their leadership. However, with this recent bout of indecisiveness I find myself thinking that this peace and contentment in being a humble and placated follower is making me dumb. 

I think that’s pride talking. Pride starts telling me that people are doing things for me because they think I can’t do it or that I won’t do it right.” I want to paint my own furniture - but my dad doesn’t think I’ll do it right so he’s going to do it for me”, says Pride and Proving. “You need to give up that call to your partner because he would make better decisions than you would”, says Pride and Proving. 

You see! I have to bring this to the light because pride and proving is a serious issue both personally and professionally. Personally it strains relationships and prevents new relationships. In this profession, at best it makes you into an arrogant prick and at worst it could kill someone. 

This is why I love writing. When you organize your thoughts you find what you’re looking for. I’ve been writing this for a while now and I’m feeling a lot less muddy and can hear the truth.

Truth says “Dad’s going to paint your furniture because he loves you and its something he can do to help you out.” Truth says “Giving up the call is the logical thing to do, you need to brush up on that skill and your partner doesn’t think any less of you.”

The truth is that although I had to be a very independent youth, I have a different life now. Whereas a youth I didn’t feel I could rely on many people, that there wasn’t much for leadership outside of my parents, that there weren’t many people that cared about me - now everything is different. 

In this new life I’m learning the importance of recognizing and dealing with weakness. I’m learning to trust people and to follow another’s lead. Instead of wallowing in feeling dumb, instead of worrying that I’ve lost my decision making skills I need to recognize and utilize and be thankful for what’s in front of me and work to develop the rest. 

Like I said, I have people who love me and care about me. If they want to help me, I should be less concerned with equalizing and repayment and just grateful for their help. I need to value that I find rest in my faith fellowship. I should count it as a blessing that when I’m struggling in confidence I have people whose leadership I can trust and whose advice I value. I can learn from these people. This is an opportunity to practice humility and grace without shame. There is a season for everything and when this season is through I will be an even better decision maker because I will be balanced and learned and “well-advised” as the proverb puts it. I won’t worry about proving or feeling or looking dumb. I will be able to flow between leading and following without doubt as to my ability. I just will. With God’s help. 

So now I’ve truly been open. 

 I went with “Ruby Red Slippers” by the way. 

"Right Spirit Maintenance" Part 1

Create in me a clean heart: O God; and renew a right spirit within me. Psalm 51:10

I believe that in order to deal with weakness you really should bring that weakness out into the open and confront it. Unfortunately, it is not an warm-fuzzy thing to do.

I’ve been commended a whole lot lately on being an “open” person. Which still kind of strikes me as odd because I’ve always felt that I usually don’t share half of what I’m thinking or feeling. In any case, there have been people that have been impressed with my willingness to share my thoughts and convictions on things. But there’s always this fear that accompanies me after I leave an “involved” conversation - that I’ve shared too much of myself, that I’ve opened myself up to ridicule or left a door open wide enough to get hurt. So the praise I’ve received this past year has been a great comfort to me. 

However, I’ve been thinking. What good is it to be an “open person” if you’re only ever open about the things that you know you can talk eloquently about, or that you’re convicted on, or that make you feel like a strong and smart person? It’s easy to talk about things like that. It’s easy to be open about good things. But if I want to stay true to the praise I’ve received and not fall into pride then I think I need to be willing to consider being open when I’m struggling with weakness or with any topic that might not necessarily feel stellar to converse about.

Lately I’ve discovered a nagging pride issue that’s been hindering me and because I want to try to be brave enough to confront it I’m going to put myself out here and write about it. Kind of scary, but it seems like it’s what I'm supposed to do.

Awesome Thing #7: Sharing a Giggle Fit

It's a slow  and uneventful tour that has been filled with mindless trips to DI (Diagnostic Imaging, aka, CT scans, Xrays and Ultrasounds <oh my>).  Mindless because most of these patients are more like clients. They need a stretcher, diesel and PR with a smile more than they need medical intervention. Some sleep, some talk on their cell phone, some will debate religion and politics with you and some. . .well, some are just a little. . ."off".

So there's you and your partner, standing in yet another hallway. You look left, you look right, you look up at the ceiling tiles, you look down and think you should polish your boots. You think about what you need to get done on your days off. You wonder if you're going to get a decent call before the end of shift, heck, you wonder if you'll get out of the hallway before the end of shift. You look at your slightly "off" patient sitting on the stretcher playing with her iPhone. Then back to your boots, check your phone, walk to the end of the hallway, look around for anyone you know, walk back and start the whole process over again. Then -

"THIS IS SUCH A HARD GAME!" exclaims your patient.

Your eyes lock on this "hard game" that has your patient leaning forward intently with her index finger whipping lines around the screen of the iPhone making zig-zag lines that demolish pieces of fruit that float across the screen.

You lean back against the wall and feel the tiny little bubbles of laughter inside your head that make you tense up the corners of your mouth to better convey to your client that you understand their frustration. But then your eyes start to water just a tiny bit and you bite your lip and drop your head to hide the grin that's spreading across your face. You would have been okay, just little more teeth-to-lip pressure and you'd be able to carry on as though this zig-zag-fruit-killing-game was the chess match of the century.

But no, you make the mistake of lifting your head and glancing at your partner. You make eye-contact and you quickly realize your mistake and close your eyes as you feel the grin once again spread across your face and the hiccup of a giggle in your throat. You open your eyes and see your partner again and you both know that you are giggling inside about the same thing.

And the thing about giggles is that they love company.

But this is not the time or place - which of course makes it all the more funny and soon you are both vibrating with stifled chortles and deep intakes of breath to try and squash the higher pitched little laughs. Finally, to put an end to the madness you surrender, turn your back on your partner and go for a little walk down the hallway to get back your serious zig-zag-fruit-killing composure, knowing that in a few hours you and your partner are going to get back into your ambulance sans patient and have a full out roar of laughter.

And that? That is AWESOME!