A Baby's Smile

Merry Christmas everyone!

I just wanted to share a quick thought I've been pondering. It's about babies. It's fitting since today is the day we celebrate in honour of our Saviour's entry into the world as a little baby.

I'm fortunate enough to spend a fair amount of time with my favourite little boy. He's a happy one-year-old with a full head of dark curls and the sweetest smile. He's the son of two of my very good friends. Anyhoo, the other day I was lucky enough to be the first one to hear him wake-up from his afternoon nap. I walked into the room and leaned over the crib and this little guy with his eyes still squinty from sleep blessed me with a big beautiful sleepy smile when he saw me. It was such a heart-warming feeling to have this little person look at me like that. I lifted him out of the crib and he let his head rest on my shoulder as I carried him out to his mom. That warm-fuzzy feeling stayed with me the rest of the day and has stayed with me in the weeks following. It got me to thinking about Jesus' birth.

After all, I was overtaken with the warm-fuzzies by a baby that is not even my own. Imagine how Mary felt holding her miracle first-born who she has been told will change the world. If my favourite little boy could make my heart melt with a single sleepy smile imagine how the shepherds and wisemen felt when they were blessed in the presence of a Holy child. If the baby Jesus smiled at them, I would imagine that their hearts would feel like they could burst. Perhaps that, along with a bright star and a multitude of angels made their belief so big that they could have moved mountains at that moment if they had so desired.

So I was just thinking if you want the warm-fuzzies when you think of the meaning of Christmas, try thinking of your favourite little one and how they make you feel and then multiply that feeling to suit the power and glory of our Lord and Saviour born in the form of a little child.

Merry Christmas and God Bless.

~Lexi

EMS Taught Me This: Part 1

Mock accident. No one is actually hurt.

I want to tell you something and I want you to put away any doubt and any fear. I want you to just give in and believe that what I am about to tell you is the absolute truth and that there is no circumstance that changes this truth. Truth cannot be defeated or destroyed but it can be ignored. I need you to know that the only thing that can push away this truth that I am about to tell you is your own doubt and fear. Are you ready? Feeling all warm and fuzzy and ready to wholeheartedly accept what I’m about to tell you? Alright, here it is:

You are always capable of more than you think.

Always, always, always, every single time. Nice and simple eh? The truth always is. EMS has taught me this. Not the truth part - Jesus taught me that. I mean EMS has taught me this specific truth that you are undoubtedly always more capable than you give yourself credit for. I am an example of this, my patients are an example of this, my patient’s families are an example of this. 

You know what the most common thing is I hear from my patients when we are discussing what it is like to work on the ambulance? It’s this:

“I could never do what you do.”

What I do? Really? It’s flattering I suppose to some degree when people think you’re amazing because you turned the pillow to the cool side for them. However, I know there are some of my peers in the industry who would believe that most people couldn’t do what we do, but I’m not inclined to agree. 

Writing comes easily to me. It has always been the next best thing to effortless for me. But EMS? Nope. I can’t think of anything in EMS that came particularly easy to me when I was first learning. I remember when I quite literally could not lift the stretcher if there had even been the weight of a bunny on it. I remember being nervous about cracking open an oxygen tank, fumbling with nasal cannulas, awkward about doing physical assessments on people, wondering what crackles in the lungs really sounded like, the list goes on. And now, all of that and more comes as easily to me as putting my hair in a pony tail. It’s all stuff I learned. Anyone could learn it if they wanted to. But that’s the thing, you have to have some driving force. “Want” was mine (I guess the more literary pleasing word would be ‘desire’ but I’m gonna go with ‘want’). I didn’t know the difference between a BVM, BGL, NRB, NC, KCL, D50 etc, but I wanted to learn. I didn’t know what it was like to crawl into an overturned car to check on a trapped patient, or to be the first person to initiate CPR or to hold a stranger’s hand while they cried but I wanted to learn how to have the privilege of being there in someone’s time of need. It was something I wanted to do. That’s how I was able to do it, not because of some innate ability. There will be other medics who will argue that you have to have a certain mindset (a mixture of eery calm under fire and sense of black humour perhaps) to survive in this job. I think that if you didn’t have or possess the potential for that “mindset” you wouldn’t want to learn the EMS skill set. That is not the same as capability. This is what I’m trying to establish. All of those people who tell me, 

“I could never do what you do” I want to tell them (and sometimes I do) “Yes, you could. We are far more capable than we give ourselves credit for. The thing is, would you want to do what I do?”

I can hear some of you now. Blood? No thanks. Germs? Ugh. Needles? Not likely! Sure, that’s fine if you know without a doubt that EMS is something you have no interest in. But if you do have an inkling that you might like to try it, then don’t let yourself think that you are not capable. I can assure you that you are.

Now that is just me applying this truth in medicalanese. That’s the great thing about truth though, it is always applicable regardless of the circumstance. So, if you have a bit of a ho-hum job and you would like to do something else but you’re not sure whether you can handle a pay cut, or having to go back to school or putting the kids in daycare, you can! You will always be able to do more than you think. The question is do you want to?

You are capable of jumping out of a plane, you are capable of starting your own business, you are capable of raising another kid, you are capable of going into the mission field, you are capable of leaving your abusive boyfriend, you are capable of kicking that bad habit. Even though you will feel that you can’t do it, you need to know that the truth is that you can. The question is really whether or not you have enough of a driving force to make you want to do it. 

You are always more capable than you think. The only thing that can make you ignore this truth is your own doubt and fear. So I’m asking you once more to put away your doubt and fear. Imagine that thing you’ve wished you could do but don’t feel that you’re capable of. 

Do you want to do it? Because if want to do it, rest assured you are capable. It is the truth. 

EMS taught me this.

I Don't Write About Work but. . .

I don’t write about work. A reader noticed this the other day and wondered why. I have a feeling that some people would think that the most exciting thing about me, the most exciting thing I could possibly write about in my blog is my job. Perhaps they are right. I’m sure most people would much rather read an account of my latest adventures in the world of emergency medical services than in the spiritual encounters with my creator, or how I sing when I do mundane things like going grocery shopping. Somedays, I too would rather publish a post on “the funniest patient I had the other day. . .” or my observations on hospital hallways or a commentary on recent EMS political events. I could confidently say that if you were to put a sheet of paper in front of me right now I could effortlessly list at least 20 different EMS blog topics that I would love to comment on. However, for a few reasons I do not. 

The first and arguably most important factor in this decision is that it is not safe. There is of course, the matter of legality when it comes to trying to recreate certain calls that, even if you were to change the date, place, time, and name of your patient, you open yourself up to the possibility that someone could accuse you of breaching confidentiality. It can be done, mind you, as the revolving door of EMS blogs on the web can attest, but it seems like a lot of work for a lot of risk to me. Sadly, though, that is not even my worst fear when I think of safety. Truth be told, like most of my fellow co-workers, I have a lot of opinions on a lot of things related to my industry - some very mainstream and some that would be considered radical. At one time I would not hesitate to write and publish these thoughts. However, I feel that the EMS political climate at this point in time is not particularly conducive to free-thinking. I can console myself with the fact that “EMS is EMS everywhere you go” which translates to mean that no matter where you are working, who you are working with or what is happening in the politics, your high level of knowledge and patient care should remain the same. Put your patient first and be the best you can be regardless of the circumstances. Unfortunately, consoling myself with this fact would be of little use if I suddenly found myself without a place to practice it.

The second reason is that I find EMS fascinating. Much too fascinating. I blame it on the first day of EMR class when my instructor taught me how to MacGuyver a flutter valve after decompressing someone’s chest - something far, far out of my scope at that level, but I was hooked. I wanted to keep learning things that were “above” me. This was good at the time and for many of the years following. However, I now also think that there comes a time when you can become over-saturated. A sponge that is filled with water needs to be wrung out sometimes if we expect it to be able to absorb more. To prevent being over-saturated, I try now to make a greater effort to separate “me” from “my job”. Part of this means I don’t want to get caught up in writing about EMS all the time, it would be way too easy. So that is why you instead get to read about other non-EMS thoughts and events. 

And if there was a third reason it would be because I would forever be editing my EMS short-hand into normal English! Go back and count how many times I used the word “patient” in this post and that is how many times I had to go back and change “pt.” to “patient”. Blah!

After all that explaining however, I have been inspired to do a quick series on some things I have learned from EMS. No, you will not find war stories, political opinions, or instructions on flutter valves. You may not find them exciting at all. It's just going to be some wholesome thoughts that I may not have considered if it wasn’t for my profession. Stay tuned. 

Awesome Thing #5 ~ Weddings!

I always try not to over-romantacize weddings. I would rather go with the thought that the wedding is only one party out of a whole marriage. Maybe this is because as a kid I always thought I would jinx my own chances of getting married if I planned for it - kind of a "don't count your chickens before they've hatched" type of thing. So I wasn't/haven't been one of those girls whose had it all planned out since I was knee-high to a chipmunk.

The lack of my own wedding plans however, has in no way diminished my absolute love of weddings. Any wedding. I've been to traditional church weddings, backyard weddings, mountain weddings and even a surprise wedding in a park. I've been fortunate enough to have been a flower girl, a bridesmaid, a soloist, a speaker and a photographer at weddings. I've watched my grandmother re-marry after being widowed, I've watched close friends marry and I've celebrated with coworkers who have taken the plunge. I have yet to meet a wedding I didn't enjoy. 

After all, what's not to enjoy!? Family, friends, food, entertainment, beautiful dresses and ambience, gifts, speeches and memories. It's like an extra Christmas. On top of that, you get to share in the special day when two people you care about pledge their commitment to each other for the rest of their lives. It's an event that has the potential to remind you, once again, about what's important in life. 

There is one wedding experience that I have anticipated for a long, long, long time. Probably ever since I forced my little brother to marry his GI Joe to my Barbie. I definitely thought about it again when as teenagers my brother and I went out to a driving range and he told me that he was buying a promise ring for his then six-month girlfriend. Now there is an engagement ring on the left hand of that same "six-month" girlfriend and wedding planned for September! 

My brother marrying the love of his life. . .

AWESOME!!!!!

My brother marrying the love of his life, ensuring that my "almost-like-a-sister-in-law-friend" will officially be my sister-in-law. . . . .

EVEN MORE AWESOME!!!!!

Rules and Obedience: Part 3 (The Best Part)

Here we are again on my weird little investigation into obedience. I’ve written about obedience in the form of coercion for the immature and obedience in the form of rewards for the logically mature. I believe there is one more driving force behind obedience. This force is only for the mature folk. Often they need to be so mature that they can stuff their pride and self away long enough to be obedient when it doesn’t suit them at all. This force is only one word and it is arguably the most important substance in all of our lives.

LOVE.

Pure and simple; or terribly complicated. It depends who you talk to I suppose. In any case it can be a strong force when it comes to obedience. I’m not sure everyone will be able to relate to this - if you can, great, that might mean I’m not completely weird. If you can’t, oh well, you get to read a different perspective on things. Anyhoo, it seems to me that when you know someone loves you and when you love them in return, you want to be obedient. 

Now when I say “love” in this context, I mean “love” in the pure and simple form. Not intimacy, not lust, not necessarily spouses or significant others. I mean everyone that you care about and those who care about you. Friends, family and God. 

I’m an adult. I have my own house, my own car, my own everything. I have flown the nest. I’m not really responsible for anyone but myself and Jack. If my dad asks me to do something for him I do not have to. After all, he can no longer coerce me into obedience as if I were a child. There are not necessarily any logical perks to obeying him any longer now that I don’t reside under his household. So why would I ever do what he has asked? There’s a chance that what he has asked me to do is going to be a major inconvenience, or its going to cost me money, or I’m going to have to change my plans, or it’s something I just loathe doing. Why would I ever do it? Once again the answer is simple.

LOVE. I will do it because I love him. 

I’m staying at a hotel in downtown Edmonton with two of my very good friends. I think it would be easier if I just walk to my destination downtown, even though it’s dark out. I don’t give it much thought. Once again, I’m an adult and I’ve gotten used to having to look after myself. I’ve taken for granted the amount of time I’ve spent in my small towns and have forgotten the dangers of being a small girl in a sketchy part of the big city. My friend tells me no. He asks me not to because he doesn’t think it is safe. From the moment he said that it was settled for me. I’m not going. Why?

LOVE. I was able to easily set pride and preference aside and obey him because he cared about me.

I’m going to go ahead and fit this all into one post, so please forgive the length. I was prompted to write these obedience posts after fielding a few questions about my faith. It probably seems that Christians have a lot of rules or strange ideas - especially in this modern age. It’s even more confusing when they see people professing the term “Christian” while seemingly not practicing what that entails. I get this. I cannot speak for others and I sure want to do my best not judge them. Therefore I can only speak for myself. I am not a very good Christian yet. I mess up a lot. However, I continue to try to improve and live what I believe. A lot of this comes down to obedience - often times the hardest part! As I gain maturity in my faith I am finding that the best way to obedience is through love. So below you will find the best explanation of why myself and many others  are trying to be obedient to the teachings of Jesus. It might be the corniest thing you’ve read all week but then the best love stories are always on the corny side. 

There’s this really amazing guy I’ve come to know. He treats me like a princess. He’s always encouraging me and telling me that I’m beautiful and that he can’t wait to do a lot of great things with me. He is always there every time I call him and he listens to me, even when I’m being a silly, emotional, non-sensical girl. He comforts me, celebrates with me and he makes me want to be a better person. He’s kind of like a super hero because he’s always healing and saving people. He even gave his life to save me. I never want to leave him. He has promised He will never leave me. Not ever! The thing is, He has told me that if I trust him enough to live my life the way He asks, He will make me the happiest girl in the world. Sounds crazy eh? Some of the things He has asked me to do are harder than others, but they all seem to make sense. I told Him that I’m afraid I will fail and He said that he already knows that I will sometimes but other times my obedience will bring him so much happiness! He also says that if I want his forgiveness He will gladly give it to me anytime, any place. So you might wonder why I am doing what he asks of me. I might not always fit in with the rest of the world while I’m doing what He has asked of me. You might want to whisper about me or tell me that I’m crazy. That’s okay. You might have questions about our relationship and I’m more than happy to answer them as best I can. But if your question is why I’m trying to obey this incredible guy, then the answer is easy.

LOVE. Pure and simple.

Rules & Obedience: Part 2

So back to the obedience topic. I was trying to establish that when you’re immature in your understanding, like a child, you are basically coerced into obedience. If you were fortunate enough to have loving and mature parents this coercion was for your own good. In my personal observations, coercing children, though not as pretty of an experience, seems to have a much better long term effect than bribing children into obedience (which is what we tend to see a lot of these days in public; but I digress :).

There is no "right way" when you've
 been told to stop :)

Anyhoo, as you get older you start to understand how obedience, trust and rewards can become intertwined. I sincerely wish more teens would figure this out earlier - it would make the beginning of their adult lives so much easier and enjoyable 1.If you continually do as your parents ask, even when it doesn’t suit what you want to do, they notice. 2. They suspect you have developed maturity. 3. When your parents sense maturity coupled with obedience they develop trust in you. 4. Because they trust you, they let you do more without fearing for your safety. 5. You get to do fun stuff with your friends and develop a trusting relationship with your parents. Some teenagers go around trying to be stealthy and secretive - already having decided that their parents are unfair creatures. When teens are hiding parts of their life from the people that love them, parents get suspicious and they crack down. They can’t help themselves - it’s not in parental nature to trust a child that has not proven that they are indeed trustworthy. Teens that think that trust should be inherent are kidding themselves. Parents used to be teens too - of course they’re going to suspect you’re up to something if you are not being transparent. Teens often don’t realize that trust starts with obedience and is maintained with transparency. It sucks to be those teens. 

The teens that do figure this out reap the rewards of obedience. A fairly common rule in our house was that you had to have your homework done before you were allowed to do anything else. If you procrastinated about doing your homework, complained incessantly about having to do your homework or lied about doing your homework you could plan on being harped on, grounded and experience a lot of discord with Mom. On top of that, you missed whatever it was you were supposed to do with your friends and instead were stuck inside figuring out algebra. When I started a practice of coming home from school and immediately sitting down at the kitchen table, opening my books and getting my homework done and then getting any chores done before supper, my mom noticed. After a few months of my mom seeing me carry out this routine every day I never got asked the annoying question “is your homework done?”. She trusted that it would be - just as it had been every day for the past three months. She would also see the check mark beside my chores on the list and trusted that I done my share around the house. The results were phenomenal! I wasn’t continually feeling harassed by my mom to do my homework and chores and I felt like a good daughter for getting them done before being asked. Because I was consistently studying my school marks soared, and so did my social life and extra-curriculars because I was always able to attend. I liked these rewards - being obedient was pretty easy when you knew something good would come of it. By the time I was 17 years old and in Grade 12 I had an apartment and was living on my own two hours away from my parents. All just because I had been obedient to them and had earned their trust. 

This is no longer obedience through coercion. This is obedience through logic and reward. It’s efficient but it’s only effective when a certain maturity level is reached that allows you to figure out the logic behind obedience. This comes back around to why I’m inclined to think bribing your child with a reward in exchange for obedience is a bit lack lustre in effort.

I really am going somewhere with this, I promise. I realize it’s a bit of a strange topic. Hang in there with me. There’s at least one more part, if not two more in this strange little series.

Because That's What You Do

When I was a baby girl my dad would lift me up on the hour so that I could see the cuckoo bird pop out of the cuckoo clock. I felt like I was hundreds of feet in the air when he would let me ride on his shoulders. When I was tired he would pick me up and carry me to bed. I was amazed at his strength when he would fly me around the house like an airplane or hold me upside down by the ankles. And even when he was in the middle of a conversation, if I reached out with stretched arms and said “Daddy, up?” he would hear me and pick me up without missing a beat because that’s what you do when you love your baby girl.

When I was a little girl my dad would sometimes drop me off at school in his police car -even though we lived right across the street, just because he knew it made me feel special. He told me I was smart, not just beautiful - but smart, and he told me often. He pushed me on the swings, took me to fly kites and blew bubbles with me. He sang to me and told me fairytales. He knelt beside my bed and prayed with me. I would stand on top of his feet and he would dance with me and tell me that we would dance like this on my wedding day. And he held my hand, because that’s what you do when you love your little girl. 

When I was a teenage girl my dad would read everything I wrote and edit it for me and then he would read it again, even if I was cramming an eight page essay at midnight. He came to listen to me sing, or play or practice or speak and always told me that he was proud of me. He told me I was beautiful, not just smart - but beautiful when I felt like the ugliest girl at school. And he held me while I cried over the injustices of youth, because that’s what you do when you love your teenage girl.

When I was a young woman, just starting out, my dad would take my car when I wasn’t watching and put gas in it, just because. He would discuss politics, philosophy, religion and current events into the wee hours of the morning with me, often playing devil’s advocate because he knew it challenged me and made me think. He showered my mother with an abundance of love, respect and admiration, demonstrating to me how a man should treat his wife. He encouraged me to take risks, try new things and to see the world. And he offered me his arm to take when walking, because that’s what you do when you love and honour the young lady that is your daughter. 

When I, as a woman, am busy with the day-to-day things of life, my dad calls me to talk, just because. He listens to my failures and successes and tells me that “everything will work out, it always does.” He loves my dog as much as I do and he makes me wheat-free cupcakes as a surprise. He tells me I’m smart and beautiful. He tries to impart the wisdom of financial planning and he comes by my house to fix, build or plant things -often before I even know it needs to be done. He blows bubbles with me as the sun goes down and we talk about the deeper things like faith, love and the meaning of life. And, whenever we part ways, whether on the phone or in person, our last words are always “I love you” because that’s what you do when you love your grown daughter.

When I am. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .because that’s what you do when you love your daughter.

For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened. Of what man is there of you, whom if his son ask for bread, will he give him a stone? Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent? If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?  -Matthew 7:8-11

Rules & Obedience Part 1

I’m thinking about rules. My handy-dandy-computer-desktop-thingy describes them as “a law or principle that operates within a specific sphere of knowledge”. I like that last part. It makes the point that some rules might only be understood by the people that they pertain to. I think there are two ways that govern why people follow rules. The first is fear of the consequences of not following the rules. Like when you’re a kid and are afraid of getting spanked or when you’re an adult in an iron-fisted, chillingly cold, government run operation where you’re afraid of getting span-, I mean, lose your job. These rules are followed with fear, misunderstanding and bitterness and coercion.

The other (much better) reason for following the rules is simple - because you understand them or have faith in the person who created the rule and believe that it exists for your own good or the greater good. These “rules” aren’t as difficult to follow, or at least, when they are difficult you can reflect on why they were instituted in the first place. 

The other possible factor in our understanding or misunderstanding of the rules is our maturity level. But let’s come back to that in a bit. Let’s begin with a simple shopping trip with kids for example. To be more specific, let’s use a typical shopping trip with my own mother as an example. We’ll start with the basic rules surrounding the privilege (yes, if your kids think that its  a privilege to go out with mom or dad they will behave in order to earn it) of going on a shopping trip.

1. You hold hands or you hold on to the cart.
2. Don’t touch anything
3. Don’t ask for anything
4. No fighting with your brother
5. No complaining.

When I was young, immature and impetuous, these rules didn’t make much sense. They stifled my independence (going off on my own), exploration (“ooohhhh, what’s that?”), righteousness and justice (making sure my brother stayed in-line as the younger sibling) and self-expression (“but looking at fabric is boring!”).

Obviously, I didn’t always agree that these rules were necessary. Because I lacked the maturity to understand the purpose behind these rules it would make no sense for my Mom to stand there and try to explain the logic of them to me. This would be a waste of time. Furthermore, in our household, children are expected to show obedience to their parents regardless of whether they understand the logic behind the rules or not. My mom had a special technique she employed to convey this “understanding” quickly, efficiently and in no uncertain terms. This is what my brother and I referred to as “THE LOOK”. 

“THE LOOK” involved a quick but meaningful narrowing of the eyes and tightness of the lips that communicated a “cease and desist” warning. You may even be able to avoid further trouble if it was quickly followed up by a meaningful apology. However, if you got “THE LOOK” more than once or refused to show remorse for an unacceptable action, you could count on the fact that when you got home you were getting a verbal and physical spanking. This left my brother and I with a healthy fear of the consequences of disobeying the rules. 

This is obedience through fear and coercion. It sucks, no matter what age you are. However, it’s what keeps kids safe and in-line until they reach a level of maturity where they can understand the logic behind the rules and are obedient through understanding or until they learn to be obedient through love. 

By the time I was 12 years old and started babysitting other people’s children I really understood the logic of my mom’s rules - or at least I thought I did.

1. You hold hands or hold the shopping cart so that you don’t get lost and then I have to come find you and that would be pretty embarrassing. 
2. Don’t touch anything because you’ll probably break something and then I’ll have to pay for it and that would be pretty embarrassing.
3. Don’t ask for anything because it’s annoying.
4. Don’t fight with your brother because it’s annoying and embarrassing.
5. No complaining because it’s annoying and makes my shopping trip less pleasant. 

Let’s be honest, these are all true. I may have understood the logic by this age, but I still didn’t have the maturity to understand the love behind these rules. Now when I think of these rules and my poor mom trying to enforce them, this is what I see:

1. You hold hands or the hold the shopping cart because I love you so much I can’t stand the thought of losing you or some pervert taking you from me.
2. Don’t touch anything because you might break something, and then I will have to discipline you publicly, and we’ll both be embarrassed and I don’t want to have to do that.
3. Don’t ask for anything because frankly, it’s a selfish and rude practice. Plus, you don’t know that I bought that doll for you a long time ago and I’m saving it for Christmas. I want you to understand that money doesn’t grow on trees and that you don’t need to have everything you see and like - or expect someone to give it to you.
4. Don’t fight with your brother because not only is it annoying, but because you guys should be learning to look out for each other and learning to solve your problems without yelling or hitting each other. I wanted to have a fun day out with you both and if you fight I will turn around and take you home and it won’t be a fun day for any of us. 
5. No complaining because it is bad practice, obnoxious and disobedient. Learn patience. You’re making our shopping trip unpleasant! :D

So the more maturity you have in a situation, the more understanding you have for the rules and the more likely you are to follow them. You also realize as you gain maturity that there are perks to being obedient. But we’ll save that for the next post.

Hodgepodge & Awesome #4 - Positive Outcomes

I know I don’t have to apologize for neglecting frequent posting to better manage my currently busy circumstances, but I personally wish that I could have posted more lately. I have many new thoughts that I’m excited about and have been thinking on and I can’t wait to write them out in this wonderful medium. However, I’m a bit stretched for writing time at the moment, so I thought I would at least give a preview of some topics I’ve been writing on with a hodgepodge of “Awesomeness” thrown in for good measure. 

I’ve been thinking lately about “rules” about why they exist, who makes, them, why we break them etc. I’ve been thinking about maturity, particularly spiritual maturity. I’ve been experiencing what it means to have a real relationship with God and the freedom that it brings. I’ve also put a lot of thought into the amount of unnecessary stress we put ourselves through. There’s also been a lot of awesomeness - but I’ll leave you with one piece of awesome for now.

You know when you are anticipating something really bad to happen? When you feel a slight bit panicky and apprehensive and sick to your stomach with worry? You know you have to take action and deal with it but you’d rather just crawl into a hole and die? Ya, that feeling. 

So there you are, all wound up about this “something” that you’ve made out to be a big deal in your head. You get the nerve to step up and deal with it. You brace yourself, expecting this waterfall of “badness” to pour down on you. . .and then. . .nothing. The world doesn’t end, in fact, nothing bad happens. Actually, you can hardly believe it, but something GOOD comes out of it.  

And that, that is AWESOME!

Awesome Stuff # 3: Friendship

“Piglet noticed that even though he had a Very Small Heart, it could hold a rather large amount of Gratitude.”  

-A.A Milne, Winnie the Pooh

When I was young, I don’t think I valued friendship enough. This may have been because I was very, very close to my family as I was growing up, it may have been because I was bullied and developed a strong distrust of my peers as a kid, it may have been because I’m an introvert or maybe its because I was selfish. It was probably a combination of all of those things. I look back and realize that I really didn’t know what I was missing. Having good friends is amazingly wonderful!

I have looked back at the last two years of my life in particular and I’ve wondered how it is that I have been blessed to be surrounded by such amazing people. I sure didn’t deserve it. There were friendships I leaned very heavily on in times of trouble and friendships I let fall by the wayside, friendships I neglected and friendships I smothered. Yet everyone stuck with me, had faith in me, believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself, waited patiently for me to get around to spending time with them again. These brave souls thought I was worth it! 

These friends have been such a blessing in my life that it encourages me to try harder to give more of myself to others in friendship that I might be able to be a blessing in other people’s lives too. I want to help and listen and serve and celebrate and be a good friend the way my friends have been to me. 

Having true-blue friends. . .

AWESOME!

"Friendship," said Christopher Robin, "is a very comforting thing to have".

 -A.A Milne, Winnie the Pooh

The Sound of Silence

Nope, this one’s not about Simon and Garfunkel - though I’m giving them props because it’s only fair since I’m stealing their title. 

I’m wondering how much the media has infiltrated your life? Does it influence your decisions, your mood, your purchases, the way you raise your family? Is it a non-corporeal safety blanket in your life? Do you need the constant hum of a television, radio, iPod, video game in the background to make you feel comfortable? Up until recently I could have answered “yes” to all of these questions. I mean, I always knew that the media treated me like a moron - “you need to wear this to look pretty”, “you need to have this feature in your car” “if you use this toothpaste your teeth will be so white they can see them from space” yadayadayada. I knew all of the different techniques the media uses to get you buy a certain product or to shift the political climate. Yet, instead of choosing to do something about it, I just accepted it as a normal part of life and in doing so I continued to let unhealthy, unnecessary, sometimes completely idiotic messages infiltrate my consciousness and subconsciousness. Why let  my critical brain matter waste its time on such garbage? 

Let’s back it up a bit though. I’m not saying that all TV programming is bad, that all music is bad, or that the news isn’t important. What I am saying is that the media is a tool that we should be using with purpose and intent - not letting it use us. You can be assured that advertisers and other media moguls have purpose and intent when they release their message to the masses. Likewise, we should have just as much purpose and intent when it comes to what we read, watch and listen to. 

I used to read the newspaper or watch The National everyday. At one point it was part of my job to read several newspapers a day. Unfortunately, I have a weakness of letting sad or disturbing news stories get to me - this would set my morning or evening up for frustration or sadness just from what I was reading in the news. After all, big news stories tend revolve around tragedy, injustice, violence, politics, poverty and greed. It is important to stay informed, but is it necessary to focus on these same types of stories every day? I think once a week should be sufficient. If its big news its not going anywhere and you probably won’t need a newspaper or radio to hear about it anyway. 

As for television - well, who doesn’t like curling up in front of the television on a sleepy, cold day and just turning off your brain while you channel surf? It’s an awesome thing once in awhile - but the truth is if you’re spending the majority of your free time in front of a television you’re probably wasting your life away, especially with some of the programming out there (does anyone else remember when TLC used to be educational and informative?). Society’s general lack of self-discipline when it comes to television has made our culture desensitized, entertainment dependent and grossly obese. Kids are being raised by Treehouse (children’s shows just ain’t what they used to be ;) Adults are turning off their brains far too often because TV is simply too easy of an escape from their daily challenges. I’ve gone without television in my home for over a year now. And honestly, their are days when I really miss it (like the sleepy, cold ones) but surprisingly, those days are fewer in number than I thought. Without television I study more, read more, get more house work done and I spend a whole lot less (I’m at least $100 richer every month). Life is simpler with less drama taking up brain space and no more countless minutes of my short life being used up on Cover Girl commercials. I really do think its worth trying out. 

My latest challenge has been cutting back on radio and music usage. I absolutely love music. I was raised on it. My dad listens to just about anything and everything from Scottish folk music to classic rock to country. On top of that he can play guitar, ukelele, harmonica and he’s learning the banjo and is playing with a mandolin. I grew up playing piano and singing in numerous choirs. There’s nothing wrong with music in and of itself, but I think we can all agree that no matter what our tastes there is some pretty bad “music” out there. I’ve decided that I don’t need to be subjected to it. I’ve also decided that although music is a wonderful thing, there is also something wonderful about being able to sit comfortably or go about your day in silence as well. This was tricky for me. Living alone gets - as the word suggests - lonely. Its nice to have the sounds of human interaction in the background. I didn’t realize how dependent I had become on it though. I realized that I was uncomfortable sitting quietly in my own house with my own thoughts. This disturbed me. After all, if you’re not comfortable with your own thoughts you’re always going to be pushing them away - and they might turn out be really great thoughts! This is what I have discovered. By making an effort to go about my day without music or radio personalities in the background I’ve been able to focus so much better on things that I need to be thinking about - like what’s really important in life.

What’s important in life is not what’s happening on the next episode of Grey’s Anatomy. It’s not the latest release from Taylor Swift and its not the latest nomination in the provincial leadership race. What’s important is spending time with the people you love and care about, about making an effort to give love and caring to others, about learning new things and having new life experiences and for me its also about trying live my faith daily. These are all easier to accomplish without constant media distractions. Intent and purpose people! Intent and purpose.

"To the Core"

If you were to strip away all of the layers of your existence, who would you be at the very core? I’ve found this to be an intriguing question of late as I’ve been considering what is really important in life.

I could start by bringing up the theory of tabula rasa - the idea that we are born into the world as blank slates and our personality and knowledge is completely dependent on the people and surroundings that influence us. I could write about this. . .but I think most parents would unwaveringly say that we are born into the world with our own little endearing personalities intact. I would agree and personally think that although our surroundings play a huge role in how we develop, we are born into the world with an unadulterated identity. However, by the time we are adults we have been so saturated by the world at large that we base our identity on the things that surround us instead of who we really are at the core. Maybe many of us don’t really know who we are at the core anymore. The world teaches us to define ourselves by our name, our occupation, by what we’re good at or by what we enjoy doing. We think of our identities as dependent on our spouse and children, maybe even by our family name and heritage. Some people would count the type of clothes they wear or the kind of music they listen to, the television shows they watch, the items they like to collect. We define ourselves by our gender, our skin colour, by the country we come from.

But what if you stripped all of that away? Who would you be then? In the past I might have said that I work on an ambulance, I read, write, take photographs, play piano, have a dog, hike, travel, go to church. When it comes down to it though, these are all things that I do or things that I enjoy. They are all dependent upon something - an employer, books, cameras, an instrument, another living thing, a congregation, not to mention finances. I think who we are at the core should not be dependent upon anything or anyone else.

When you think of it like that, you actually have to really think about who you are. Don’t you? We have more layers to us than a giant onion. It’s so tempting to consider yourself a product of the events, both good and bad that have happened to you in your life. It’s tempting to define yourself by the things you are passionate about or by what you’ve dedicated your life to doing. Still, I would argue that who you are goes much deeper than that. What you do or enjoy doing, what you’re passionate about are more like reflections of who you are. They’re a mirror that can reflect your core being.

It takes some serious consideration to get back to your core being. I’m still thinking about it. I know that I was born with a lot of compassion - especially when it comes to animals and even insects (I prefer to relocate spiders rather than squish them :). I know that I’ve always innately known of God’s presence and at my core I think I have a propensity for loyalty and sincerity (both which can have either positive or negative reflections in life).

I’ve found thinking about this to be very liberating. It puts things in perspective. To be frank, when you die, all of the earthly things you ranked high on your list of importance (status, finances, career) will be as valuable as an American penny in a Canadian dollar store. I think who we are at the core is what we entered the world with and is what we will exit the world with and personally I’d like to get reacquainted with who I am as a soul before that day graces my presence.

Too deep? Don’t worry, I’ll do another “AWESOME” post soon.

Dreams and Painted Horses

A friend and I were reminiscing about the imagination games we used to play when we were kids and we got to wondering what happened to our imagination? It seems as adults we only use our imaginations to problem solve. I use mine to imagine how many sheets of drywall I’ll need to finish my basement or to come up with medical worst-case-scenarios and how I would handle them. But this isn’t fun like pretending the blue carpet was ocean and the bed was a boat and there were sharks that would get you if you touched the carpet while jumping to the island. I suppose when you’re a kid that’s being well-provided for and you’re being told when you will eat, what you will eat, how much you will eat, when you will go to bed, when you will get up, what you will wear, when you will share, what you will share, how you will behave etc, you have the luxury of using your imagination for games and stories. As an adult it seems that imagination is a problem-solving survival tool. The other thing that children have the luxury of doing is dreaming big. I whole-heartedly support this. I think everyone, regardless of age should dream big, but I’ve also learned it’s a lot easier to do when you’re safe with your parents then when you’re out on your own making ends meet. When you’re a kid, if you’re lucky, your parents teach you that there is value to your ideas and thoughts and that the world can use you in anyway you can imagine if you are willing to work toward it. This is when we were going to be astronauts and doctors, when we were going to explore the world and raise enough money to feed all of the starving children or save the rainforests. (We had a penny drive to save the rainforest in elementary school. I was seven-years-old and when they announced that we had raised enough money to save one acre I was sure we had just saved an entire forest.) We had big, wonderful dreams. I think we always need to encourage our kids to dream big. However, we also need to introduce them to real horses. (Random statement that will make sense soon.)

Also along these thoughts are painted horses. Another friend and I were having supper at the food court in Chinook Mall yesterday. There’s a big carousel there that I was watching and it seemed that there was a life metaphor in this carousel. Children rush onto the carousel and pick out a horse that catches their eye. These horses are painted different colours and are bejewelled and feathered and have flowers in their manes. The kids get on and they go up and down, round and round and round. They think it’s great. Who wouldn’t want a shiny horse with a sparkly braided tail and flowers in its mane? I was thinking that some adults treat their dreams (or their lives for that matter) like these painted horses. That they’re colourful and sparkly and look fun but they just go up and down, around and around and never get anywhere. They never really develop a relationship with their painted horse, heck, they never even have to feed it. They just sit on it and think they look good as they go around in a circle.
The rest of us get off the carousel at some point in our childhood and eventually we find a real horse with our name on it. The reality of these horses is that they’re big and powerful but you have to learn to control them. They eat a lot, crap a lot and some bite. They kind of smell and they make you sneezy. It takes a lot dedication to look after one properly and to develop a relationship with it and even then you might find yourself getting bucked to the ground. These horses may not have flowers and jewels in their manes but they don’t just go up and down, around and around either. These horses, when they’re cared for properly can take you virtually anywhere at any speed you choose. They can carry extra loads sometimes and warn you when predators are near. Riding them may leave you sore and chaffed but you will get where you’re going.

I’m thinking that maybe, as adults, that if we used our imaginations more often for silly games and made up stories we may be less stressed and laugh more often. That if we could remember to dream big we would find more opportunities to use our talents and resources to improve our little corner of the world. If we make sure we’re putting the effort into our lives and dreams as though they were real horses, then we won’t be the weird, middle aged guy in a suit sitting on a childrens carousel while someone fills out a Form 1 one for him.

Awesome Stuff #2: The satisfaction of a "grown-up" purchase

No, it’s not an Xbox, nor is it a Yamaha. It’s not a trip to Mexico. Yet you find yourself a little bit excited. Maybe even a lot excited. In either case you’re more excited than you thought you would be about something that a mere 10 years ago you would have dismissed as thoroughly boring and unimpressive.

Yet here you are eagerly awaiting it’s delivery, or its completion, or trying to find the English side of the instructions. It’s probably something you’ve put a lot of thought into, maybe even researched. You might have struggled to save up some chunks of paycheque for it. You booked a day in your schedule to go pick it out, maybe sought help from an advisor who’s done this kind of thing before you. Likely there were two or three options you had to painstakingly way the pros and cons of.

You went through the drawn out decision process, tickled your bank account and now you are the proud owner of an adult purchase that will marginally improve your life. Not long ago you would never have considered spending your hard-earned, minimum wage cash on such a mature and responsible purchase, but now that you’re a homeowner and like to think of yourself as a “grown-up”. . .well, you can’t help but think of it as
AWESOME!

Something's Gotta Give: Part 2 of 2

So in my last post I was talking about how there are times when life really, really sucks. I was eventually trying to get to the point that I believe something has got to give at some point. Something has to change. I have no idea what that change is for other people. I have some idea of what that change usually entails for Christians, though how it is experienced is different for each person. Now, if you’re reading this and you don’t subscribe to my God, that’s okay, welcome here, I just wanted to let you know that the rest of this post will be from a follower-of-Christ POV, and that it’s totally not my intent to alienate you, it’s just that it’s the only point of view I know, and so it’s the only one I can write from in this case.

To continue, It hasn’t been long since I decided to leave my metaphorical security rigged, deadbolted house. In fact, I’m probably still standing at the door. So there I was standing at the door, trying to get by when a group of people came out of nowhere and slammed the door on my fingers. It really freaking hurt. It hurt me personally. It further confirms my strong suspicions that people, especially my own gender, can be especially cruel (after that confession you’re probably wondering where the Christian POV is. lol). This is something I have a hard time with. And me, being me, I began stress over the human condition, among other anti-productive worries.

Thankfully, the night before this happened I was scanning blogs and I read one by Kelly Needham. In it she talked about the parallels between feeling discouraged and far from God with having idols before God. I had always thought of idols in a literal sense, like worshipping a statue of another god, or maybe even worshipping Justin Bieber instead of God (perish the thought, ugh). However, Kelly explained that we create idols out of our personal desires that we obsess over. When we are focusing on our desires, and depending on them to bring us happiness we are not focused on God. This is a huge problem because the most important command in the Bible is that we love our God with all our heart, soul and mind. When I am obsessing over things like how people can treat others cruelly, marriage and EMS, I am not giving enough of myself to God. It’s basically saying, “Father, I know that you’ve looked after me really well up until now, but I still don’t trust you worth a damn.”

As I sat in my car (I do a lot of thinking in my car) I remembered this new found truth and I wiped my eyes took a deep breath and picked up the phone. Being concerned with the human condition was not going to fix this problem. That night, at considerably late hours I talked to three different people, two of which I had never even met. Together we came up with a plan to deal with these door slamming people. By the end of the next day I had made a plan with six people. I now have an army behind me when I go to deal with the door slammers. I still hurt and I’m still a bit anxious about what will come of all this but by focusing on God and creating a plan I realized that these door slamming girls and their pettiness are not worth my heart, mind and soul. They are simply part of the human condition and I have something that conquers the human condition.

I’ve only been really working to turn my focus to God for a few days now but since then I’ve seen his hand everywhere, and it’s been a looooonnnnngggg time since I’ve really felt with certainty that he was speaking to me. I’ve had two random people come up to me to tell me how thankful they are for the work that I and my coworkers do, and I mean random - for one of those conversations I wasn’t even wearing a uniform (I was wearing clothes though . . get your mind out of the gutter). The other morning I was woken up by a massive clap of thunder. I adore thunder, the louder and more earth shaking the better. Every roll of thunder was incredibly loud and shook my house. I have not heard thunder that awesome in years. It may seem silly, but to me that’s a gift from God.

Today, my cousin Beth posted a quote on facebook from Corrie ten Boom, a Dutch Christian who hid Jews in her home until she was captured and taken to a concentration camp and survived when a clerical error saw her released a week before the group of women she was with at the camp were executed. This quote is perfect.

"If you look at the world, you'll be distressed. If you look within, you'll be depressed. If you look at God you'll be at rest."

Your focus determines your feelings. This is my very new experience. I don’t know if my dark night is over or if this is just a reprieve but I do know that at some point, something has got to give. You may have noticed that I didn’t go into much depth on what the dark night of the soul or the law of undulation are. For some reason I feel that if I try to explain it on here, it won’t be as meaningful as going and reading about it yourself. Yes, I realize that doesn’t really make sense. I will leave a few links that you could try, and I would say that the best explanation of “the law of undulation” is in Chapter 8 of The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis. Corrie ten Boom said a lot of really great stuff too and you should check her out. Mother Teresa felt that her “dark night of the spirit” lasted for the majority of her adult life, only receding months before her death.

I would also say that you don’t have to look far to meet people who are in a dark night or have been in a dark night. As much as I am predisposed to not like people very much or to think that we are extremely cruel to each other, I can still realize that the pain we cause each other is greatly due to apathy, misunderstanding and miscommunication. I don’t really have an all-encompassing way to end this post so I will leave a couple of other quotes that help when people make your life more difficult than it need be.

“Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something and has lost something.”

~ H. Jackson Brown Jr.

“Everyone is only three questions away from tears.”

~Some very smart person, though I’m not sure who.

Kelly Needham’s Blog
http://kellyneedham.wordpress.com/

Quotes by Corrie ten Boom
http://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/102203.Corrie_Ten_Boom

The Dark Night of the Soul
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dark_Night_of_the_Soul

The Law of Undulation
http://bama.ua.edu/~casey006/216/screwtape.html
(Go to Chapter VIII)

Something's Gotta Give: Part 1 of 2

I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of the phrases “the dark night of the soul” or “the law of undulation”. If you have, then chances are that you’re a Christian that has experienced a rough time in your life. I only draw that conclusion, however, because it seems that only Christians or those of a spiritual persuasion either create, or go searching for these types of beautiful flowery terms to describe those times in your life that seem to be an unending parade of unfortunate, unfair, very dark and depressing “WTF” circumstances of life that make you cry, wallow or otherwise pity your existence and fill your silent vocabulary with questions of “what did I do to deserve this?” “when will this end?” “when will I be happy again?” and my personal favourite, “SERIOUSLY???!!. . .(insert exasperated sigh here)”.

You know what I mean though, and if you don’t, you unfortunately will at one point or another (start preparing for a long metaphor. . .). Generally speaking, you’re doing your thing, probably with a lot of content satisfaction when something happens. That something that shakes your faith or your personal foundation. You start to cope with it, but just when you’re starting to make sense of it something else comes out of nowhere and blindsides you and you stumble around for a bit. Then maybe someone comes out of the shadows and shoves you to the ground and hey, that kind of makes you mad, so you get up looking for a fight, only to find that you can’t see them anymore, and then someone hits you from behind and you’re back on the ground. You try to get up but they kick you down again, and then again, and then again until you stop trying to get up and just lay quietly hoping that they’ll go away and leave you alone. It gets quiet and you’re pretty sure they’re gone, but maybe they’re just waiting for you to get up again. You’re lucky though, because you’re friends come along and find you pretty quickly. They help you get up and take you home and start to patch you up. They tell you that you’re safe, they call the police for you and say that they’ll catch the bastards that hurt you. But the police call you back to say that they have no leads, that this was probably just a random act of violence and you should go about your life like normal. “Ha ha!” you say with absolutely no humor as you order on-line a security system and four deadbolts to be shipped to you. You spend a long time fine-tuning that security system but never really feel any safer. You open the door only for those friends that were with you that fateful night. Absolutely. no. one. else.

The truth is, I could continue with this metaphor for a few more pages, but I think you know what I mean, and if you don’t know what I mean you probably have a weird mix of intrigue and disinclination happening. Hold on - I believe in using my writing powers for good and not evil, it’s about to get sunnier, just bear with me.

If you do know what I’m talking about, you know that there is no definite amount of time that this “dark night of the soul”, this “WTF?” time of life lasts. For some people it’s a month, maybe a few months, maybe a few years, maybe many years. That’s why it’s so chillingly scary. After all, this could mean that you’ll feel like the bottom of a plumber’s boot for the rest of your life. Luckily for me, I believe in Beatles songs, good luck rabbits (that’s the whole rabbit alive, mind you, not just its dead foot) the Monro-Kellie Doctrine and God’s love. This, in turn leads me to put a lot of stock in “the law of undulation” (no, you will not find this in the Bible, check out “The Screwtape Letters” by C.S. Lewis). Basically, something is bound to change eventually.

In the last few days I feel like maybe, just maybe I’ve figured something out. You know when you have days where it feels like God is “speaking” to you? Perhaps others would call it those times when you felt in tune with the universe or maybe its what atheists would say is what happens when your sub-conscious meets up with your conscious or what have you. In any case, it’s not quite a revelation but it’s a little bit of peace that comes to your attention and then you start seeing it everywhere. I will continue the second part of this in a few minutes in a second post as I am fairly determined to avoid painfully long single posts.

In the mean time you may want to look up:

“The Dark Night of the Soul”
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dark_Night_of_the_Soul

The Law of Undulation”
http://bama.ua.edu/~casey006/216/screwtape.html

The Monro-Kellie Doctrine
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intracranial_pressure
(Ya, I probably wouldn’t have read it all either if I hadn’t had to. Basically, if pressure is introduced into a fixed amount of space, like the skull, something has got to give.)

Awesome Stuff #1: Singing in perfect time at the grocery store

Have you ever heard of Neil Pasricha? If not, you need to meet his book - "The Book of Awesome". This book makes me happy when I'm down and makes me appreciate the little things in life. It's a simple and fantastical concept that I wish I had thought of first, but didn't. After that you should read his second book, "The Book of Even More Awesome". If you would like a taste of what you're getting yourself into first, visit Neil's website www.1000awesomethings.com. Now that I've completely convinced you that I am not trying to take credit for another guy's awesome idea, you can read my bits of awesomeness that I plan on interjecting into this blog as the mood strikes. Neil doesn't mind, he's all about spreading the awesome feelings.

Awesome Stuff #1: Singing in perfect time at the grocery store.

I like to sing. I don't really care if I'm putting effort into sounding good or if I'm just making noise to amuse myself, but I like singing and humming (not whistling though - I never mastered that skill very well and it's a bit obnoxious). I sing while I'm getting dressed, I sing while I'm drawing up drugs, I sing while I walk my dog and I most definitely sing when I'm driving in my car. I also like to sing when I'm grocery shopping. Why? You might ask.

Well, first because there's already music playing, and not half bad music either, they have a pretty good selection of songs at my local neighbourhood Sobeys. If you have decent accompaniment you might as well take advantage of it. Secondly, I have nothing better to do while I read through mind-numbingly long lists of ingredients on my quest to keep all wheat and its bi-products away from my GI tract. And lastly, because I like to, and I don't really know many people in town so I don't really care who thinks I'm weird. It's not like I'm singing at the top of my lungs after all.

So there I am, making my way to the baby food aisle, only because that's where they decide to hide the gluten free stuff, and I'm singing along with Kelly Clarkson and Jason Aldean's "Dont You Wanna" (I have no idea if that's the actual title of the song) when that super cheery Sobey's lady interrupts the song over the intercom to tell me how shopping at Sobey's will improve my quality of life and cure world hunger. I keep singing as best I can, hoping that I have the timing right. . .

Then it happens. . .the super cheery Sobey's lady stops talking. . .there's the small pause as the intercom recedes its intrusion. . .and then. . .the song continues EXACTLY in time with your own singing. You finish the song in harmony!

AWESOME!