Rules & Obedience: Part 2

So back to the obedience topic. I was trying to establish that when you’re immature in your understanding, like a child, you are basically coerced into obedience. If you were fortunate enough to have loving and mature parents this coercion was for your own good. In my personal observations, coercing children, though not as pretty of an experience, seems to have a much better long term effect than bribing children into obedience (which is what we tend to see a lot of these days in public; but I digress :).

There is no "right way" when you've
 been told to stop :)

Anyhoo, as you get older you start to understand how obedience, trust and rewards can become intertwined. I sincerely wish more teens would figure this out earlier - it would make the beginning of their adult lives so much easier and enjoyable 1.If you continually do as your parents ask, even when it doesn’t suit what you want to do, they notice. 2. They suspect you have developed maturity. 3. When your parents sense maturity coupled with obedience they develop trust in you. 4. Because they trust you, they let you do more without fearing for your safety. 5. You get to do fun stuff with your friends and develop a trusting relationship with your parents. Some teenagers go around trying to be stealthy and secretive - already having decided that their parents are unfair creatures. When teens are hiding parts of their life from the people that love them, parents get suspicious and they crack down. They can’t help themselves - it’s not in parental nature to trust a child that has not proven that they are indeed trustworthy. Teens that think that trust should be inherent are kidding themselves. Parents used to be teens too - of course they’re going to suspect you’re up to something if you are not being transparent. Teens often don’t realize that trust starts with obedience and is maintained with transparency. It sucks to be those teens. 

The teens that do figure this out reap the rewards of obedience. A fairly common rule in our house was that you had to have your homework done before you were allowed to do anything else. If you procrastinated about doing your homework, complained incessantly about having to do your homework or lied about doing your homework you could plan on being harped on, grounded and experience a lot of discord with Mom. On top of that, you missed whatever it was you were supposed to do with your friends and instead were stuck inside figuring out algebra. When I started a practice of coming home from school and immediately sitting down at the kitchen table, opening my books and getting my homework done and then getting any chores done before supper, my mom noticed. After a few months of my mom seeing me carry out this routine every day I never got asked the annoying question “is your homework done?”. She trusted that it would be - just as it had been every day for the past three months. She would also see the check mark beside my chores on the list and trusted that I done my share around the house. The results were phenomenal! I wasn’t continually feeling harassed by my mom to do my homework and chores and I felt like a good daughter for getting them done before being asked. Because I was consistently studying my school marks soared, and so did my social life and extra-curriculars because I was always able to attend. I liked these rewards - being obedient was pretty easy when you knew something good would come of it. By the time I was 17 years old and in Grade 12 I had an apartment and was living on my own two hours away from my parents. All just because I had been obedient to them and had earned their trust. 

This is no longer obedience through coercion. This is obedience through logic and reward. It’s efficient but it’s only effective when a certain maturity level is reached that allows you to figure out the logic behind obedience. This comes back around to why I’m inclined to think bribing your child with a reward in exchange for obedience is a bit lack lustre in effort.

I really am going somewhere with this, I promise. I realize it’s a bit of a strange topic. Hang in there with me. There’s at least one more part, if not two more in this strange little series.

Because That's What You Do

When I was a baby girl my dad would lift me up on the hour so that I could see the cuckoo bird pop out of the cuckoo clock. I felt like I was hundreds of feet in the air when he would let me ride on his shoulders. When I was tired he would pick me up and carry me to bed. I was amazed at his strength when he would fly me around the house like an airplane or hold me upside down by the ankles. And even when he was in the middle of a conversation, if I reached out with stretched arms and said “Daddy, up?” he would hear me and pick me up without missing a beat because that’s what you do when you love your baby girl.

When I was a little girl my dad would sometimes drop me off at school in his police car -even though we lived right across the street, just because he knew it made me feel special. He told me I was smart, not just beautiful - but smart, and he told me often. He pushed me on the swings, took me to fly kites and blew bubbles with me. He sang to me and told me fairytales. He knelt beside my bed and prayed with me. I would stand on top of his feet and he would dance with me and tell me that we would dance like this on my wedding day. And he held my hand, because that’s what you do when you love your little girl. 

When I was a teenage girl my dad would read everything I wrote and edit it for me and then he would read it again, even if I was cramming an eight page essay at midnight. He came to listen to me sing, or play or practice or speak and always told me that he was proud of me. He told me I was beautiful, not just smart - but beautiful when I felt like the ugliest girl at school. And he held me while I cried over the injustices of youth, because that’s what you do when you love your teenage girl.

When I was a young woman, just starting out, my dad would take my car when I wasn’t watching and put gas in it, just because. He would discuss politics, philosophy, religion and current events into the wee hours of the morning with me, often playing devil’s advocate because he knew it challenged me and made me think. He showered my mother with an abundance of love, respect and admiration, demonstrating to me how a man should treat his wife. He encouraged me to take risks, try new things and to see the world. And he offered me his arm to take when walking, because that’s what you do when you love and honour the young lady that is your daughter. 

When I, as a woman, am busy with the day-to-day things of life, my dad calls me to talk, just because. He listens to my failures and successes and tells me that “everything will work out, it always does.” He loves my dog as much as I do and he makes me wheat-free cupcakes as a surprise. He tells me I’m smart and beautiful. He tries to impart the wisdom of financial planning and he comes by my house to fix, build or plant things -often before I even know it needs to be done. He blows bubbles with me as the sun goes down and we talk about the deeper things like faith, love and the meaning of life. And, whenever we part ways, whether on the phone or in person, our last words are always “I love you” because that’s what you do when you love your grown daughter.

When I am. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .because that’s what you do when you love your daughter.

For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened. Of what man is there of you, whom if his son ask for bread, will he give him a stone? Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent? If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?  -Matthew 7:8-11

Rules & Obedience Part 1

I’m thinking about rules. My handy-dandy-computer-desktop-thingy describes them as “a law or principle that operates within a specific sphere of knowledge”. I like that last part. It makes the point that some rules might only be understood by the people that they pertain to. I think there are two ways that govern why people follow rules. The first is fear of the consequences of not following the rules. Like when you’re a kid and are afraid of getting spanked or when you’re an adult in an iron-fisted, chillingly cold, government run operation where you’re afraid of getting span-, I mean, lose your job. These rules are followed with fear, misunderstanding and bitterness and coercion.

The other (much better) reason for following the rules is simple - because you understand them or have faith in the person who created the rule and believe that it exists for your own good or the greater good. These “rules” aren’t as difficult to follow, or at least, when they are difficult you can reflect on why they were instituted in the first place. 

The other possible factor in our understanding or misunderstanding of the rules is our maturity level. But let’s come back to that in a bit. Let’s begin with a simple shopping trip with kids for example. To be more specific, let’s use a typical shopping trip with my own mother as an example. We’ll start with the basic rules surrounding the privilege (yes, if your kids think that its  a privilege to go out with mom or dad they will behave in order to earn it) of going on a shopping trip.

1. You hold hands or you hold on to the cart.
2. Don’t touch anything
3. Don’t ask for anything
4. No fighting with your brother
5. No complaining.

When I was young, immature and impetuous, these rules didn’t make much sense. They stifled my independence (going off on my own), exploration (“ooohhhh, what’s that?”), righteousness and justice (making sure my brother stayed in-line as the younger sibling) and self-expression (“but looking at fabric is boring!”).

Obviously, I didn’t always agree that these rules were necessary. Because I lacked the maturity to understand the purpose behind these rules it would make no sense for my Mom to stand there and try to explain the logic of them to me. This would be a waste of time. Furthermore, in our household, children are expected to show obedience to their parents regardless of whether they understand the logic behind the rules or not. My mom had a special technique she employed to convey this “understanding” quickly, efficiently and in no uncertain terms. This is what my brother and I referred to as “THE LOOK”. 

“THE LOOK” involved a quick but meaningful narrowing of the eyes and tightness of the lips that communicated a “cease and desist” warning. You may even be able to avoid further trouble if it was quickly followed up by a meaningful apology. However, if you got “THE LOOK” more than once or refused to show remorse for an unacceptable action, you could count on the fact that when you got home you were getting a verbal and physical spanking. This left my brother and I with a healthy fear of the consequences of disobeying the rules. 

This is obedience through fear and coercion. It sucks, no matter what age you are. However, it’s what keeps kids safe and in-line until they reach a level of maturity where they can understand the logic behind the rules and are obedient through understanding or until they learn to be obedient through love. 

By the time I was 12 years old and started babysitting other people’s children I really understood the logic of my mom’s rules - or at least I thought I did.

1. You hold hands or hold the shopping cart so that you don’t get lost and then I have to come find you and that would be pretty embarrassing. 
2. Don’t touch anything because you’ll probably break something and then I’ll have to pay for it and that would be pretty embarrassing.
3. Don’t ask for anything because it’s annoying.
4. Don’t fight with your brother because it’s annoying and embarrassing.
5. No complaining because it’s annoying and makes my shopping trip less pleasant. 

Let’s be honest, these are all true. I may have understood the logic by this age, but I still didn’t have the maturity to understand the love behind these rules. Now when I think of these rules and my poor mom trying to enforce them, this is what I see:

1. You hold hands or the hold the shopping cart because I love you so much I can’t stand the thought of losing you or some pervert taking you from me.
2. Don’t touch anything because you might break something, and then I will have to discipline you publicly, and we’ll both be embarrassed and I don’t want to have to do that.
3. Don’t ask for anything because frankly, it’s a selfish and rude practice. Plus, you don’t know that I bought that doll for you a long time ago and I’m saving it for Christmas. I want you to understand that money doesn’t grow on trees and that you don’t need to have everything you see and like - or expect someone to give it to you.
4. Don’t fight with your brother because not only is it annoying, but because you guys should be learning to look out for each other and learning to solve your problems without yelling or hitting each other. I wanted to have a fun day out with you both and if you fight I will turn around and take you home and it won’t be a fun day for any of us. 
5. No complaining because it is bad practice, obnoxious and disobedient. Learn patience. You’re making our shopping trip unpleasant! :D

So the more maturity you have in a situation, the more understanding you have for the rules and the more likely you are to follow them. You also realize as you gain maturity that there are perks to being obedient. But we’ll save that for the next post.