When you work in EMS accident scenes are just that - a scene. Usually they are fairly run of the mill. Then there are the accident scenes that you know are going to be bad, just by listening to the dispatch information. When you hear the report from dispatch as you are driving towards a huge rising plume of black smoke you pray and you pray hard. You start to go over your protocols, your pediatric drug dosages, BSA percentages - anything so that when you step out of that ambulance you feel prepared.
You park a safe distance away and begin to walk, ignoring anything that you can't fix - whether its a two vehicles engulfed in huge, intensely hot fire or a swarming group of bystanders frantically telling you what they think you need to be doing. Nope, you just carry on towards the Medic that was first on scene, the one who will assign you a patient - the patient that you're mentally prepared to take care of.
It's a good thing that you're mentally prepared. It's a good thing that people who work in this industry typically have the trait that allows them to mentally overcome emotionally disturbing sights. Because nothing prepares you emotionally for when you walk up to your patient, remove the massive queen-size comforter that's been wrapped around them and look in to the grief-stricken face of your friend. Nothing.
It's four days later now and where do we go from here?
I think of the saying, "Inside of me is a weak heart but behind it is a strong God." This weekend I was reminded of how truly weak my heart is. How quick I was to question God's plan, question his grace, how defenseless I left myself to the devices of the evil one. I've been upset because it's like looking through a window, I can see God at work but I can't feel him through the glass. I don't feel His comfort.
Emotionally I don't feel God's comfort, but mentally I know it exists. I don't doubt. I don't doubt where Les is. I don't doubt that he's beyond happy. And I definitely don't doubt that this is part of God's plan. It just sucks is all and it doesn't feel good. There's no warm and fuzziness. But now that things are calming down, I know that God is not witholding His comfort from me - it's me that's not letting Him close. It was pointed out to me that if I can see God's work through the glass but can't feel him it's because He's on the outside and he's waiting for me to open the window.
There is the miracle that Tony and the boys are okay. I cling to that. As the days go on I can start to see more blessings. I was thinking about what I would want if I was in an accident. The truth is, I would want my EMS friends to be the ones to look after me and my family. I would be comforted to see my friends from the fire department there. I'd want my friend to tell me first that my loved one was dead. I'd want my friends to pray with me on the side of the highway. To have familiar, loving faces there in my time of need would be such an amazing blessing at such a terrible time.
When I think of that - I don't feel I need to ask God "why?" anymore. When I can think of it like that I feel honoured that God let me be there for my friends in their time of need.
I want to work on getting that window all the way open before the funeral so I can bring God's comfort to others as my friends have been doing for me.
So, if you are part of our community's story I hope you can feel God's comfort working in and around you. If you're struggling then at least know that I understand and that I do believe that God is waiting to give us comfort too if we just let Him all the way in.
"We rejoice in spite of our grief, not in place of it." -Woodroll Kroll
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