Randomness x 15

I so enjoyed reading my friend Jenn's "15 Random Things About Me" post that I figured I'd be a copy cat and do one too. Here goes -

1. I think spotting a rabbit is lucky. I decided this as a teenager when walking home from school one day. I don't exactly remember how it came about, but it was probably a really good day and then a rabbit came dashing past and I thought "wow, a rabbit cool! This is such a good day!" Since then I when I see a jack rabbit I think it's going to be a particularly good day.

2. I can't smell skunk. Seriously, I have no idea what people are talking about when they're complaining about skunk. I once mistook a skunk for a cat in the dark and just about got close enough to pet it. I'm not that weird though. I read somewhere that 15 per cent of the population actually can't smell skunk either.

3. I'm kind of torn between wanting an Alpaca farm or a petting zoo. Alpaca fur brings in some nice cash, but they're kind of smelly. However, they are cute in a special way and I wouldn't need to kill and eat them. Instead I could name them and sell their ridiculously priced hair. If I had a petting zoo I could have a menagerie of sweet stinky little animals that I could look after and name. I'd want a miniature pony and a rabbit, a goat (particularly a fainting goat), some ducks, a couple of sheep, maybe a donkey so we could have a live nativity at Christmas, and a smaller, non-ugly pig. Heck, might as well throw an alpaca in there too. Oh, and a porcupine.

4. When I was small (2-3 yrs) my favourite show was "The Littlest Hobo" about a german shepherd dog that travels around helping people. When the ending song, "Maybe Tomorrow" came on I would cry my eyes out - not because the show was over, but because I was so incredibly upset that the dog had to get on a train and move around and that he didn't have a home and a little girl to love him. To this day hearing that song makes me tear up.

5. I have what my mom refers to as "social batteries". I do really well talking to people and socializing and being congenial and out-going but then when my batteries run low, I'm pretty much done. I need quiet time to recharge my batteries before I can be sociable again.

6. I love, love, love blooming canola fields. I look forward to them every summer. It is one of the most beautiful things about living here.

7. When I was in high school and university I would not even start a 20 page paper until a day or two before the due date and still get it done on time, complete with documented research and receive an "A". I was seriously that awesome. It was like a super power. Now I'm lucky if I can complete a To-Do list over the course of a day.

8. I love pretty much anything to do with the English language. I love to read, I love to write, I like quotes, I like word games, I like that I can correctly spell words that I've never heard or used before. I like singing, I like writing poetry, I like word pictures. If it has English in it I can conquer it. Now, numbers and math. . .not so much. . .

9. When I was three my dad went to RCMP training at Depot. While he was gone my mom and brother and I lived with my grandma for six months. During that period I obtained an imaginary friend named Jamie. My mom never figured out if Jamie was a boy or a girl. However, on Canada Day that year we had gone to a park for the celebrations and while we were there I began explaining to my aunt and my mom that before Jamie was my friend, Jamie had been shot and there was lots and lots of blood. I have no memory of this imaginary friend now. Creepy.

10. On another weird childhood note, I used to be able to "smell" the dark. This only applied to when I was outside in the dark and I used to tell my parents that the night smelled evil. I do remember what it smelled like back then but I rarely smell it now and usually when I do its a really cold winter night.

11. I have tons upon tons of happy family memories. Most of them are not about trips or cool presents. They're not about fancy birthday parties or toys. A lot of them are about simple, every day family suppers, about my dad coming home from work or my mom making potato soup. They're about playing imagination games with my brother in the back yard. I cherish memories from when I was a teen and my parents, brother and I were lucky enough to have a hot tub that we would sit in together and look at the stars and ponder life's questions. I want to remember with my own kids that a beautiful childhood is not about the money you spend to give your kids the right clothes and the right toys and the right vacations. A beautiful childhood is about spending time as a family, knowing that you're loved, laughing together, and realizing that all of that is enough. Everything else is gravy, not the main course.

12. I feel that author C.S. Lewis is one of the most profound and brilliant writers to ever live upon this earth. I highly, highly recommend his works, particularly Mere Christianity and The Screwtape Letters.

13. I think one of my best traits since I've grown up is adaptability. Although I don't always like change, I actually tend to handle it quite well as long as I don't let attitude get in my way. I've decided that it's this trait that's enabled me to work in EMS, to travel the world, to live a plain life style, and even when it comes to letting God be in charge of my life (though that last one does take constant effort still). I know that I get this trait from my mom. She's like that too, except she does it all with a smile to boot.

14. I have a small dog and he is my baby. He's a bright light in my world. His name is Jack Daniels and he is certainly the cutest, sweetest and funniest dog alive.

15. One of the most comforting things I've learned about life is that there is always something you can do when things go wrong. This is because no matter what the situation, you can always pray. God's got a handle on things when you don't. Just pray!

My baby Jack :)

A Field of Glory

She was a rolling meadow small, skirts of grasses, but weeds as tall
Her wild flowers, untamed and fair led her to ignore the patches bare
Where not a green thing grew at all
And the sun, why she basked in its bliss, unaware
She was burning from its hot, dry kiss.

Then, one ragged day He came,
Plan in place He began to toil
His work, it ripped through and overturned her soil
Crushed her wild flowers down,
Uprooted the grasses of her gown
She cried in pain, "Just leave me be,
Can't you see you're hurting me?"

He did not stop but worked harder still,
He pulled the weeds that had grown so tall
All burrows were filled, so as not to fall
He broke the ground so dry and cracked
He was not discouraged by what she lacked

Horrified she looked around and all she saw was broken ground
Dusty field of brown and black, spread with muck on top of that
But now He whispered as He sowed
A promise of new life with every throw

"Shhh, small one, do not weep
My plans for you may seem but meek
But trust me and you won't be sorry,
I'll make you into a field of glory"

She ceased to cry and when she did
Tears from Heaven flowed instead
Rain immersed her ground and washed her clean
New growth, new life, she was redeemed

She loved Him now and bore His work
A meadow small she could not be
"I'll be His field of glory!"
She spoke determinedly

And where she had been stripped to dirt and dust
She grew straight and tall, leaving Him her trust
So now she wears an emerald gown
Her hair bright gold and eyes of sky
She dances in joy as the wind blows by

Because He's making her a field of glory
Fulfilling the promise that she won't be sorry
A song of courage and truth she hums
She knows she'll be with Him when the harvest comes.

~L.L.M.

The Unknown Future

Fear not, little flock; for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the Kingdom

Luke 12:32

It would be so nice if the moment we became Christians we would be able to just trust God completely and be content with our lot in life. Unfortunately, if you’re anything like me, you may find that trusting God is like sunshine on a cloudy day. It feels so good when the sun is shining down on you with its bright, warm rays, but then a group of clouds pass over and suddenly its shadowy and cool and it goes back and forth like that between sun and cloud all. day. long. 

The peace that comes when you give your troubles to the Lord is such a comfort - but for me it always seems fleeting. Its not long before my worries or doubts cloud over again and I’m left wondering if I ever really trusted God with the issue in the first place. 

I’m particularly guilty of playing the “alternate universe” game. Its where your mind leads you to consider how your life may have looked if you had taken a different path that was offered to you in your past. I’m quite happy with where my life has taken me, so the little trips down reminiscence road are really a complete waste of time. What’s worse than this useless indulgence in the past however, is when I take the same game into the future which I have a feeling is a bit of an insult to God. After all, there is a difference between conscientious planning and responsibility in regards to the future and apprehensive, anxious preparations for a future that is unlikely to make you nearly as squirrelly as your pre-planning has made you.

What I’m getting at is that when I let my mind run amok with anxieties about what “could” happen or what “might” not happen - when I daydream about this possibility or that potential problem I’m not only being disrespectful to the God who has it all figured out for me, I’m being an irrational, stressed out moron. 

First, worrying is not a productive move. You can’t fix something that isn’t broken, you can’t plan a route when you don’t know your destination. My favourite saying about worry is that it’s like a rocking chair - it gives you something to do but it doesn’t get you anywhere. Trusting in God on the other hand. . .well. . .I guess it may not always feel productive but it allows you use your brain for more productive things while building your faith and its what we have been commanded to do. Personally, looking back at how things have unfolded in my life I can get a glimpse of God’s plan and it is stunning and beautiful thus far - why shouldn’t I trust Him?

Second, if I’m worrying about the future because I’m concerned about my happiness (which is usually why I’m worrying about the future) then I’m forgetting the point of my life in Jesus Christ. Circumstances never last and are always changing. If you are basing your happiness and your faith for that matter, on your life circumstances you will forever be in a cycle of searching, finding, doubting and disillusionment. Your happiness and contentment will be tied to what’s going on in your life and lets face it, what’s going on in your life will not always be rainbows, bunnies and butterflies. 

We need to remember that the only certain and solid thing in this life is God. Our happiness and contentment in this crazy world should to be tied to Him and Him alone. Nothing else can withstand the anti-rainbows, anti-bunnies and flies. There is no peace and lasting happiness apart from God. 

I “know” all this but sometimes its not enough. I’m the type of person that will probably always need to reconsecrate my future to the Lord. And since trust becomes stronger the better you know someone I need to continue to get to know the Lord by reading the Bible and hanging onto his words whenever I start to become consumed with worry. The other practice that can soothe this weakness is prayer. I really think that its not enough to just try to ignore a worry - you have to make the conscious decision to give it over the Lord and talk through it with Him. 

When you read this I would consider it a blessing if you would pray for me, that I might be able to hand over my worries and concerns to the Father and use my brain for more productive pursuits. If there’s anything you’ve found helpful when you get caught up in your worries I’d like to hear that too. 

"And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest? Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass, which is alive in the field today, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will He clothe you, O you of little faith! And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried. For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them. Instead, seek His kingdom, and these things will be added to you.”

Luke 12: 25-31

A Free Gift from The King: Part 3

Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. -Ephesians 2:9, The New Testament (NLT version)

In the last post I did my best to explain simply and quickly how it is that we are saved from death. That it is because of our faith that God gives us the free gift of salvation, forgiving us our sins and making us new. Like I said, I can say that with all confidence. I stake my life on it.

What I didn't talk about in the last post is the debate about how "good works" fit into the picture. These would be considered the actions that make us "good people"; freely giving what we have to offer and practicing the virtues (patience, humility, love, kindness, etc). Honestly, this isn't what I want to talk about in this post, so I'm going to give my opinion with scripture and leave it at that for now so we can move on. I just think its a bit neglectful to write on justification by faith without talking about works.

I believe that "good works" are the result of your love for Christ. They are the fruits of being a Christ-follower, not the qualifications, because as I have been trying to explain, there is no way we "qualify" for God's grace by our actions. Salvation and good works to me go hand-in-hand, they cannot be separated. When you love God you want to do good works because you know it makes God happy and that in turn makes you happy. I don't want to say it's always the most natural thing to do, but every time we put away our own desires to help someone else we spiritually grow into more mature followers.

"And since it is through God's kindness, then it is not by their good works. For in that case, God's work  would not be what it really is - free and undeserved."

Romans 11: 5-7

"What good is it dear brothers and sisters, if you say you have faith but don't show it by your actions? Can that kind of faith save anyone? Suppose you see a brother or sister who has no food or clothing, and you say, "Good-bye and have a good day; stay warm and eat well" - but then you don't give that person any food or clothing. What good does that do? So you see, faith by itself isn't enough. Unless it produces good deeds, it is dead and useless."

James 2: 14-17

What I really want to discuss is how we lose our salvation. Actually, I don't want to even talk about the "how" part. I want to talk about the "we" part. I get this sense every once in awhile that Christians have this image of God coming down from Heaven with a fiery fist and taking the gift of their salvation away from them when they take a hard spiritual fall. Frankly, this just hasn't sat well with me, and I didn't figure out why until a little awhile ago.

God cannot be untrue to Himself. He will follow through with everything He has decreed because He is truth. He cannot be contrary. This is why He goes to the effort of creating covenants with us and why He had to give His son to save us from death, instead of just wiggling a finger and making the price of sin a life lived out with turkeys instead of eternal death. God is truth.

Therefore, God will not come down and take away salvation from you because you screwed up. Why? because God has given us a gift - a thing given willingly to someone without payment. Furthermore, He has told us that we are completely underserving of that gift, there is nothing we could do to deserve it.

Therefore, if salvation is a gift and there was nothing you could do to deserve it, then there is nothing you could do that could warrant God taking it away from you. First, because you don't take back a gift - otherwise it wouldn't be a gift. Secondly because if you didn't deserve it in the first place you can't really sink any lower, can you? Rest assured, it will not be God that causes you to lose your salvation.

However, let me be clear that you can lose your salvation. The operative word in that sentence is "lose" mind you. I am confident that God will not take the gift of salvation from you. However, once someone gives you a gift, they trust you to look after it and take care of it. If you lose that gift you're out of luck. This is how people lose their salvation. They might set it down for a bit and forget where they left it. They may lock it up and try to forget about it. They might let someone else take it away from them or they might drop it somewhere due to carelessness. Some have even sold it for material things.

You need to carry your salvation with you all of the time. You need to do maintenance on it and you need to be thankful that you have such a gift. As I was trying to illustrate in the allegory, if the King calls you home and you don't have the keys (the gift of salvation) on you, you're not going to be able to get in.

So you see, I'm very confident that you and you alone are responsible for the free gift that God gives you. He won't take it away. He loves you! He desperately wants you to be with Him. He has made you right in His eyes by the death of his son and has adopted you into the family. Of course He's not going to determine you're a moron undeserving of salvation because you made a mistake! When He sees you've lost your gift He cries and desperately wants you to go back and look for it, to find it again, polish it up, wear it with humility and talk to Him. He is your Father. He wants to do good things for you if you would accept His gift, look after it, and be ready to come home when He calls.

And we never know when that call is going to come.

A Free Gift from The King: Part 2

It's easy to get caught up in abstract and complicated ideas when it comes to theology. Sometimes I worry that I spend too much time debating the abstract and not enough time brushing up on the basics. I also worry about how people on the outside interpret the Christian faith. I fear that some have the impression of a people bound by rules and doctrines, who are constantly striving to be good enough while simultaneously telling others that they are not good enough. If this is how you view Christians I sincerely apologize. That is why I want to talk about what I consider to be a basic tenet of being a Christ-follower that I think some non-Christians would be surprised to learn about.

The little story I made up about the young, rebellious prince and the loving King in the last post, A Free Gift from The King Part 1, is an allegory to help explain this tenet. It's something we call "justification by faith alone".  You may also hear it paraphrased as "sola fide" - by faith alone. 

I'm going to be blunt here. Have you ever spoken to someone who has told you that in order to qualify for entrance into heaven you need to accomplish so many good deeds, dress a certain way, give a determined amount of money, be perfect, have never made a mistake, etc? They might have made it out to sound like a spiritual scavenger hunt or they may have made you feel like unless you start caring for children on the streets of Calcutta you are screwed.

I'm going to tell you with complete confidence that they could not be farther from the truth. If they truly believe they can earn their way into Heaven then they have totally missed the boat and I would be concerned that they are oblivious to the fact that they are drowning. There is nothing you can do to earn your way into Heaven. I can say this with confidence because New Testament authors take pages to try and explain this.

"Brothers, listen! We are here to proclaim that through this man Jesus there is forgiveness for your sins. Everyone who believes in Him is declared right with God - something the law of Moses could never do."

Acts 13:38, The New Testament (NLT version)

The Law of Moses was the rules that governed every aspect of Jewish life. Following these laws was considered necessary to be right with God. They included rules on what you could eat and not eat, how you planted your crops, how many tassels could be on your cloak, how you made tools and even how you had to deal with bodily functions like menustruation. Does this list of requirements sound vaguely familiar? The predominant-must-always-do-to-make-God-happy was the blood sacrifice of a pure and clean animal (often a sweet cuddly-wuddly little lamb). It was nuts! It was basically impossible to follow all of these laws to a T. Everyone who realized this was majorly stressed out as they did their best to check off everything on their scavenger hunt list. Then there were these guys called Pharisees who liked to go around pretending that all of these laws were totally reasonable and that they nailed every one of them all the time (they were lying) and that if they could do it, you should be able to do it too. 

But the regular folk were realizing that nothing they did was good enough to gain favour with God. Being stressed and preoccupied with all of these laws wore down the people and I think that over time they forgot how much God loved them. That's why they weren't really on their toes when God sent his son, Jesus (our Saviour, Messiah, the promised one - that's right, for years God promised that He would make everything right). Jesus is the definition of awesome and because the Bible does a far better job telling about his life with us than I could I will just cut to the chase. 

Ultimately, God loved us so much that he wanted to be right with his people forever without all the stressful scavenger hunts and bloody baby sheep. But if you've watched the news lately you'd have to admit that generally speaking our species is a pretty messed up bunch and it would take a big heaping sacrifice of purity to make up for all of that.  So God sent his only son, Jesus, to die like a sacrificial lamb so that any one of us who believes in him would no longer be chained to a rule book and dead sheep, but would instead be justified with God, even though they had done nothing to deserve it. 

"Therefore, since we have been made right in God's sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God's glory. We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confidant hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because He has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with love. When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners. God showed His great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. And since we have been made right in God's sight by the blood of Christ, He will certainly save us from God's condemnation."

Romans 5:1-9, The New Testament (NLT version)

That's pretty much the best part but if you stay tuned I have a few more thoughts on the subject. . .

Oh the sacrificial cuteness.

A Free Gift from The King: Part 1

Once upon a time, in a beautiful kingdom, there was a young prince who was not particularly well-behaved. He was rude to the servants, brushed off his responsibilities, was always late and made fun of the disfigured. He didn't care too much about his title or his kingdom because he had older brothers and sisters who were all very responsible and who would inherit the kingdom. He would never have the glory or the riches that came with being a king. In fact he hardly ever bothered to speak to his father the King and he pretty much figured that his father didn't give a hoot about him or what he did.

Until one day, while he was relaxing under a tree, pondering what to do with all of his spare time he thought he heard his father calling for him. He ignored the call at first, annoyed that he should be bothered. Then after awhile he began to wonder what the old man wanted. It felt as though he hadn't seen his father in ages. With a sigh he got up and went to look for his father. He wasn't in the throne room. The Prince felt like giving up the search right then. After all, if it was so important, his father should just come and tell him so. But just then he met his older sister who said she could show him where to find their father. Why not? thought the Prince, I was bored anyway. He let his sister guide him out into the Royal Garden. She pointed him in the direction of their father who the young Prince could now see sitting on an ornate bench surrounded by vines with huge blossoming golden flowers. In the King's lap was a small mirrored box, reflecting rays of sun onto his father's aged face. The King turned then, and seeing his son in the garden he ran to his son, laughing and holding him in a warm embrace. The Prince was a bit stunned - he didn't remember his Father being so loving or so full of joy.

"Come son, sit beside me here in the garden, I want to speak to you," said the King as he motioned the Prince to sit on the bench to his right. "Son, let's not beat around the bush," said the King. I love you. I love you more than you could ever imagine and it has broken my heart not to have you near me. I want to give you the most valuable thing I have. I want to give you the keys to the Kingdom. I want you to rule by my side." The King handed the little mirrored box to the young Prince.

The Prince was absolutely stunned. He had come to the garden expecting to maybe just catch up with the old man, probably get scolded at worst. However, now his father wanted him, the least deserving of the family to inherit the Kingdom. This must be a joke, he thought. He caught his reflection in the top of the mirrored box and for the first time he really saw himself clearly and he was saddened by how he was living.

"Father, you've got to be kidding me. You must not have any idea of what I have done," said the Prince.

"Sure I do," said the King. You've lied and cheated, you've been selfish, prideful and rude, you've been lustful, crude, uncaring. You've been petty and you've held hate in your heart. You have hurt others and you have disrespected even me. I know you don't deserve what I'm giving you, but frankly, there's nothing you could have done to deserve a gift this awesome. I hate what you have done in the past, but I love you and I can forgive everything you've done. All you have to do is accept my gift to you. I promise you that I mean it son. I. love. you. Do you believe me?"

The Prince was amazed that this was happening to him, but his father was speaking with such sincerity and such overwhelming love that the Prince knew he was speaking the truth.
"Yes father, I believe you. I will accept the keys to the Kingdom. But father, please, I have not learned how to live like a good son and prince. If it pleases you, allow me to leave the kingdom and travel to the far, far away places where I can meet people and learn how to be a good servant so that I will return knowing how to be a good ruler. I want to tell everyone I meet along the way of the wonderful gift you have given me."

The King pondered this for a moment. "Son, that is a very honourable request. The keys to the Kingdom are yours and they are freely given to you. I will never seek to take them away from you. Hold them close to your heart and through them you and I will always be able to hear and speak to each other. However, when you venture into the far, far away lands you will encounter many dangers. If you lack vigilance you may lose the keys, or there may be people who would seek to take them from you. Remember too that the farther away you are from the Kingdom the heavier the keys become and you may become tired and stumble. Above all things, remember that the day will come when I will summon you back to the Kingdom. If you arrive at the gates without the keys you will be locked out forever, stuck wandering the far, far away lands. Please son, be careful. You belong here with me."

So the Prince set out to learn how to lead by serving others. Even though he traveled in joy and faith he was beset by some troubles in the far, far away lands. But that is a story for another time. . .

The End.

"Right Spirit Maintenance" Part 2

Only by pride cometh contention: but with the well-advised is wisdom. Proverbs 13:10

I have not been on my A-game of late. In anything. Seriously. Yesterday I could not make a decision on a lawn mower or a paint colour without second-guessing myself. It’s terrifying. This is coming from a girl that at 12 decided on her own that it was in her best interest to switch schools. Who at 17 moved out on her own because she didn’t want the RCMP deciding her life for her. Who at 19 decided in one day’s time to step out of post-secondary to pursue a career and at 21 took a massive pay cut to follow another calling. Who has spent over six years making decisions on behalf of the sick and injured and now she can’t make a decision between “windsor red” or “ruby red slippers”. Really. . ?

This is where it gets sticky and my thoughts get a bit muddy. Obviously this is a bit of a inadequacy issue (sigh. . .). However, what disappoints me is how I’ve been internalizing this “me” issue into an issue of pride, proving and leadership. 

Let’s back it up again. I have been blessed with two specific things in regards to this issue. The first is having people who love me. The second is being surrounded by excellent leadership. By this I mean that I interact regularly with individuals whose leadership and judgement I have a high degree of trust in. I am very, very grateful for this blessing and I find a lot of peace and content in following their leadership. However, with this recent bout of indecisiveness I find myself thinking that this peace and contentment in being a humble and placated follower is making me dumb. 

I think that’s pride talking. Pride starts telling me that people are doing things for me because they think I can’t do it or that I won’t do it right.” I want to paint my own furniture - but my dad doesn’t think I’ll do it right so he’s going to do it for me”, says Pride and Proving. “You need to give up that call to your partner because he would make better decisions than you would”, says Pride and Proving. 

You see! I have to bring this to the light because pride and proving is a serious issue both personally and professionally. Personally it strains relationships and prevents new relationships. In this profession, at best it makes you into an arrogant prick and at worst it could kill someone. 

This is why I love writing. When you organize your thoughts you find what you’re looking for. I’ve been writing this for a while now and I’m feeling a lot less muddy and can hear the truth.

Truth says “Dad’s going to paint your furniture because he loves you and its something he can do to help you out.” Truth says “Giving up the call is the logical thing to do, you need to brush up on that skill and your partner doesn’t think any less of you.”

The truth is that although I had to be a very independent youth, I have a different life now. Whereas a youth I didn’t feel I could rely on many people, that there wasn’t much for leadership outside of my parents, that there weren’t many people that cared about me - now everything is different. 

In this new life I’m learning the importance of recognizing and dealing with weakness. I’m learning to trust people and to follow another’s lead. Instead of wallowing in feeling dumb, instead of worrying that I’ve lost my decision making skills I need to recognize and utilize and be thankful for what’s in front of me and work to develop the rest. 

Like I said, I have people who love me and care about me. If they want to help me, I should be less concerned with equalizing and repayment and just grateful for their help. I need to value that I find rest in my faith fellowship. I should count it as a blessing that when I’m struggling in confidence I have people whose leadership I can trust and whose advice I value. I can learn from these people. This is an opportunity to practice humility and grace without shame. There is a season for everything and when this season is through I will be an even better decision maker because I will be balanced and learned and “well-advised” as the proverb puts it. I won’t worry about proving or feeling or looking dumb. I will be able to flow between leading and following without doubt as to my ability. I just will. With God’s help. 

So now I’ve truly been open. 

 I went with “Ruby Red Slippers” by the way.