Rules & Obedience Part 1

I’m thinking about rules. My handy-dandy-computer-desktop-thingy describes them as “a law or principle that operates within a specific sphere of knowledge”. I like that last part. It makes the point that some rules might only be understood by the people that they pertain to. I think there are two ways that govern why people follow rules. The first is fear of the consequences of not following the rules. Like when you’re a kid and are afraid of getting spanked or when you’re an adult in an iron-fisted, chillingly cold, government run operation where you’re afraid of getting span-, I mean, lose your job. These rules are followed with fear, misunderstanding and bitterness and coercion.

The other (much better) reason for following the rules is simple - because you understand them or have faith in the person who created the rule and believe that it exists for your own good or the greater good. These “rules” aren’t as difficult to follow, or at least, when they are difficult you can reflect on why they were instituted in the first place. 

The other possible factor in our understanding or misunderstanding of the rules is our maturity level. But let’s come back to that in a bit. Let’s begin with a simple shopping trip with kids for example. To be more specific, let’s use a typical shopping trip with my own mother as an example. We’ll start with the basic rules surrounding the privilege (yes, if your kids think that its  a privilege to go out with mom or dad they will behave in order to earn it) of going on a shopping trip.

1. You hold hands or you hold on to the cart.
2. Don’t touch anything
3. Don’t ask for anything
4. No fighting with your brother
5. No complaining.

When I was young, immature and impetuous, these rules didn’t make much sense. They stifled my independence (going off on my own), exploration (“ooohhhh, what’s that?”), righteousness and justice (making sure my brother stayed in-line as the younger sibling) and self-expression (“but looking at fabric is boring!”).

Obviously, I didn’t always agree that these rules were necessary. Because I lacked the maturity to understand the purpose behind these rules it would make no sense for my Mom to stand there and try to explain the logic of them to me. This would be a waste of time. Furthermore, in our household, children are expected to show obedience to their parents regardless of whether they understand the logic behind the rules or not. My mom had a special technique she employed to convey this “understanding” quickly, efficiently and in no uncertain terms. This is what my brother and I referred to as “THE LOOK”. 

“THE LOOK” involved a quick but meaningful narrowing of the eyes and tightness of the lips that communicated a “cease and desist” warning. You may even be able to avoid further trouble if it was quickly followed up by a meaningful apology. However, if you got “THE LOOK” more than once or refused to show remorse for an unacceptable action, you could count on the fact that when you got home you were getting a verbal and physical spanking. This left my brother and I with a healthy fear of the consequences of disobeying the rules. 

This is obedience through fear and coercion. It sucks, no matter what age you are. However, it’s what keeps kids safe and in-line until they reach a level of maturity where they can understand the logic behind the rules and are obedient through understanding or until they learn to be obedient through love. 

By the time I was 12 years old and started babysitting other people’s children I really understood the logic of my mom’s rules - or at least I thought I did.

1. You hold hands or hold the shopping cart so that you don’t get lost and then I have to come find you and that would be pretty embarrassing. 
2. Don’t touch anything because you’ll probably break something and then I’ll have to pay for it and that would be pretty embarrassing.
3. Don’t ask for anything because it’s annoying.
4. Don’t fight with your brother because it’s annoying and embarrassing.
5. No complaining because it’s annoying and makes my shopping trip less pleasant. 

Let’s be honest, these are all true. I may have understood the logic by this age, but I still didn’t have the maturity to understand the love behind these rules. Now when I think of these rules and my poor mom trying to enforce them, this is what I see:

1. You hold hands or the hold the shopping cart because I love you so much I can’t stand the thought of losing you or some pervert taking you from me.
2. Don’t touch anything because you might break something, and then I will have to discipline you publicly, and we’ll both be embarrassed and I don’t want to have to do that.
3. Don’t ask for anything because frankly, it’s a selfish and rude practice. Plus, you don’t know that I bought that doll for you a long time ago and I’m saving it for Christmas. I want you to understand that money doesn’t grow on trees and that you don’t need to have everything you see and like - or expect someone to give it to you.
4. Don’t fight with your brother because not only is it annoying, but because you guys should be learning to look out for each other and learning to solve your problems without yelling or hitting each other. I wanted to have a fun day out with you both and if you fight I will turn around and take you home and it won’t be a fun day for any of us. 
5. No complaining because it is bad practice, obnoxious and disobedient. Learn patience. You’re making our shopping trip unpleasant! :D

So the more maturity you have in a situation, the more understanding you have for the rules and the more likely you are to follow them. You also realize as you gain maturity that there are perks to being obedient. But we’ll save that for the next post.