Rules & Obedience: Part 2

So back to the obedience topic. I was trying to establish that when you’re immature in your understanding, like a child, you are basically coerced into obedience. If you were fortunate enough to have loving and mature parents this coercion was for your own good. In my personal observations, coercing children, though not as pretty of an experience, seems to have a much better long term effect than bribing children into obedience (which is what we tend to see a lot of these days in public; but I digress :).

There is no "right way" when you've
 been told to stop :)

Anyhoo, as you get older you start to understand how obedience, trust and rewards can become intertwined. I sincerely wish more teens would figure this out earlier - it would make the beginning of their adult lives so much easier and enjoyable 1.If you continually do as your parents ask, even when it doesn’t suit what you want to do, they notice. 2. They suspect you have developed maturity. 3. When your parents sense maturity coupled with obedience they develop trust in you. 4. Because they trust you, they let you do more without fearing for your safety. 5. You get to do fun stuff with your friends and develop a trusting relationship with your parents. Some teenagers go around trying to be stealthy and secretive - already having decided that their parents are unfair creatures. When teens are hiding parts of their life from the people that love them, parents get suspicious and they crack down. They can’t help themselves - it’s not in parental nature to trust a child that has not proven that they are indeed trustworthy. Teens that think that trust should be inherent are kidding themselves. Parents used to be teens too - of course they’re going to suspect you’re up to something if you are not being transparent. Teens often don’t realize that trust starts with obedience and is maintained with transparency. It sucks to be those teens. 

The teens that do figure this out reap the rewards of obedience. A fairly common rule in our house was that you had to have your homework done before you were allowed to do anything else. If you procrastinated about doing your homework, complained incessantly about having to do your homework or lied about doing your homework you could plan on being harped on, grounded and experience a lot of discord with Mom. On top of that, you missed whatever it was you were supposed to do with your friends and instead were stuck inside figuring out algebra. When I started a practice of coming home from school and immediately sitting down at the kitchen table, opening my books and getting my homework done and then getting any chores done before supper, my mom noticed. After a few months of my mom seeing me carry out this routine every day I never got asked the annoying question “is your homework done?”. She trusted that it would be - just as it had been every day for the past three months. She would also see the check mark beside my chores on the list and trusted that I done my share around the house. The results were phenomenal! I wasn’t continually feeling harassed by my mom to do my homework and chores and I felt like a good daughter for getting them done before being asked. Because I was consistently studying my school marks soared, and so did my social life and extra-curriculars because I was always able to attend. I liked these rewards - being obedient was pretty easy when you knew something good would come of it. By the time I was 17 years old and in Grade 12 I had an apartment and was living on my own two hours away from my parents. All just because I had been obedient to them and had earned their trust. 

This is no longer obedience through coercion. This is obedience through logic and reward. It’s efficient but it’s only effective when a certain maturity level is reached that allows you to figure out the logic behind obedience. This comes back around to why I’m inclined to think bribing your child with a reward in exchange for obedience is a bit lack lustre in effort.

I really am going somewhere with this, I promise. I realize it’s a bit of a strange topic. Hang in there with me. There’s at least one more part, if not two more in this strange little series.

Because That's What You Do

When I was a baby girl my dad would lift me up on the hour so that I could see the cuckoo bird pop out of the cuckoo clock. I felt like I was hundreds of feet in the air when he would let me ride on his shoulders. When I was tired he would pick me up and carry me to bed. I was amazed at his strength when he would fly me around the house like an airplane or hold me upside down by the ankles. And even when he was in the middle of a conversation, if I reached out with stretched arms and said “Daddy, up?” he would hear me and pick me up without missing a beat because that’s what you do when you love your baby girl.

When I was a little girl my dad would sometimes drop me off at school in his police car -even though we lived right across the street, just because he knew it made me feel special. He told me I was smart, not just beautiful - but smart, and he told me often. He pushed me on the swings, took me to fly kites and blew bubbles with me. He sang to me and told me fairytales. He knelt beside my bed and prayed with me. I would stand on top of his feet and he would dance with me and tell me that we would dance like this on my wedding day. And he held my hand, because that’s what you do when you love your little girl. 

When I was a teenage girl my dad would read everything I wrote and edit it for me and then he would read it again, even if I was cramming an eight page essay at midnight. He came to listen to me sing, or play or practice or speak and always told me that he was proud of me. He told me I was beautiful, not just smart - but beautiful when I felt like the ugliest girl at school. And he held me while I cried over the injustices of youth, because that’s what you do when you love your teenage girl.

When I was a young woman, just starting out, my dad would take my car when I wasn’t watching and put gas in it, just because. He would discuss politics, philosophy, religion and current events into the wee hours of the morning with me, often playing devil’s advocate because he knew it challenged me and made me think. He showered my mother with an abundance of love, respect and admiration, demonstrating to me how a man should treat his wife. He encouraged me to take risks, try new things and to see the world. And he offered me his arm to take when walking, because that’s what you do when you love and honour the young lady that is your daughter. 

When I, as a woman, am busy with the day-to-day things of life, my dad calls me to talk, just because. He listens to my failures and successes and tells me that “everything will work out, it always does.” He loves my dog as much as I do and he makes me wheat-free cupcakes as a surprise. He tells me I’m smart and beautiful. He tries to impart the wisdom of financial planning and he comes by my house to fix, build or plant things -often before I even know it needs to be done. He blows bubbles with me as the sun goes down and we talk about the deeper things like faith, love and the meaning of life. And, whenever we part ways, whether on the phone or in person, our last words are always “I love you” because that’s what you do when you love your grown daughter.

When I am. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .because that’s what you do when you love your daughter.

For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened. Of what man is there of you, whom if his son ask for bread, will he give him a stone? Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent? If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?  -Matthew 7:8-11