"To the Core"

If you were to strip away all of the layers of your existence, who would you be at the very core? I’ve found this to be an intriguing question of late as I’ve been considering what is really important in life.

I could start by bringing up the theory of tabula rasa - the idea that we are born into the world as blank slates and our personality and knowledge is completely dependent on the people and surroundings that influence us. I could write about this. . .but I think most parents would unwaveringly say that we are born into the world with our own little endearing personalities intact. I would agree and personally think that although our surroundings play a huge role in how we develop, we are born into the world with an unadulterated identity. However, by the time we are adults we have been so saturated by the world at large that we base our identity on the things that surround us instead of who we really are at the core. Maybe many of us don’t really know who we are at the core anymore. The world teaches us to define ourselves by our name, our occupation, by what we’re good at or by what we enjoy doing. We think of our identities as dependent on our spouse and children, maybe even by our family name and heritage. Some people would count the type of clothes they wear or the kind of music they listen to, the television shows they watch, the items they like to collect. We define ourselves by our gender, our skin colour, by the country we come from.

But what if you stripped all of that away? Who would you be then? In the past I might have said that I work on an ambulance, I read, write, take photographs, play piano, have a dog, hike, travel, go to church. When it comes down to it though, these are all things that I do or things that I enjoy. They are all dependent upon something - an employer, books, cameras, an instrument, another living thing, a congregation, not to mention finances. I think who we are at the core should not be dependent upon anything or anyone else.

When you think of it like that, you actually have to really think about who you are. Don’t you? We have more layers to us than a giant onion. It’s so tempting to consider yourself a product of the events, both good and bad that have happened to you in your life. It’s tempting to define yourself by the things you are passionate about or by what you’ve dedicated your life to doing. Still, I would argue that who you are goes much deeper than that. What you do or enjoy doing, what you’re passionate about are more like reflections of who you are. They’re a mirror that can reflect your core being.

It takes some serious consideration to get back to your core being. I’m still thinking about it. I know that I was born with a lot of compassion - especially when it comes to animals and even insects (I prefer to relocate spiders rather than squish them :). I know that I’ve always innately known of God’s presence and at my core I think I have a propensity for loyalty and sincerity (both which can have either positive or negative reflections in life).

I’ve found thinking about this to be very liberating. It puts things in perspective. To be frank, when you die, all of the earthly things you ranked high on your list of importance (status, finances, career) will be as valuable as an American penny in a Canadian dollar store. I think who we are at the core is what we entered the world with and is what we will exit the world with and personally I’d like to get reacquainted with who I am as a soul before that day graces my presence.

Too deep? Don’t worry, I’ll do another “AWESOME” post soon.

Dreams and Painted Horses

A friend and I were reminiscing about the imagination games we used to play when we were kids and we got to wondering what happened to our imagination? It seems as adults we only use our imaginations to problem solve. I use mine to imagine how many sheets of drywall I’ll need to finish my basement or to come up with medical worst-case-scenarios and how I would handle them. But this isn’t fun like pretending the blue carpet was ocean and the bed was a boat and there were sharks that would get you if you touched the carpet while jumping to the island. I suppose when you’re a kid that’s being well-provided for and you’re being told when you will eat, what you will eat, how much you will eat, when you will go to bed, when you will get up, what you will wear, when you will share, what you will share, how you will behave etc, you have the luxury of using your imagination for games and stories. As an adult it seems that imagination is a problem-solving survival tool. The other thing that children have the luxury of doing is dreaming big. I whole-heartedly support this. I think everyone, regardless of age should dream big, but I’ve also learned it’s a lot easier to do when you’re safe with your parents then when you’re out on your own making ends meet. When you’re a kid, if you’re lucky, your parents teach you that there is value to your ideas and thoughts and that the world can use you in anyway you can imagine if you are willing to work toward it. This is when we were going to be astronauts and doctors, when we were going to explore the world and raise enough money to feed all of the starving children or save the rainforests. (We had a penny drive to save the rainforest in elementary school. I was seven-years-old and when they announced that we had raised enough money to save one acre I was sure we had just saved an entire forest.) We had big, wonderful dreams. I think we always need to encourage our kids to dream big. However, we also need to introduce them to real horses. (Random statement that will make sense soon.)

Also along these thoughts are painted horses. Another friend and I were having supper at the food court in Chinook Mall yesterday. There’s a big carousel there that I was watching and it seemed that there was a life metaphor in this carousel. Children rush onto the carousel and pick out a horse that catches their eye. These horses are painted different colours and are bejewelled and feathered and have flowers in their manes. The kids get on and they go up and down, round and round and round. They think it’s great. Who wouldn’t want a shiny horse with a sparkly braided tail and flowers in its mane? I was thinking that some adults treat their dreams (or their lives for that matter) like these painted horses. That they’re colourful and sparkly and look fun but they just go up and down, around and around and never get anywhere. They never really develop a relationship with their painted horse, heck, they never even have to feed it. They just sit on it and think they look good as they go around in a circle.
The rest of us get off the carousel at some point in our childhood and eventually we find a real horse with our name on it. The reality of these horses is that they’re big and powerful but you have to learn to control them. They eat a lot, crap a lot and some bite. They kind of smell and they make you sneezy. It takes a lot dedication to look after one properly and to develop a relationship with it and even then you might find yourself getting bucked to the ground. These horses may not have flowers and jewels in their manes but they don’t just go up and down, around and around either. These horses, when they’re cared for properly can take you virtually anywhere at any speed you choose. They can carry extra loads sometimes and warn you when predators are near. Riding them may leave you sore and chaffed but you will get where you’re going.

I’m thinking that maybe, as adults, that if we used our imaginations more often for silly games and made up stories we may be less stressed and laugh more often. That if we could remember to dream big we would find more opportunities to use our talents and resources to improve our little corner of the world. If we make sure we’re putting the effort into our lives and dreams as though they were real horses, then we won’t be the weird, middle aged guy in a suit sitting on a childrens carousel while someone fills out a Form 1 one for him.

Awesome Stuff #2: The satisfaction of a "grown-up" purchase

No, it’s not an Xbox, nor is it a Yamaha. It’s not a trip to Mexico. Yet you find yourself a little bit excited. Maybe even a lot excited. In either case you’re more excited than you thought you would be about something that a mere 10 years ago you would have dismissed as thoroughly boring and unimpressive.

Yet here you are eagerly awaiting it’s delivery, or its completion, or trying to find the English side of the instructions. It’s probably something you’ve put a lot of thought into, maybe even researched. You might have struggled to save up some chunks of paycheque for it. You booked a day in your schedule to go pick it out, maybe sought help from an advisor who’s done this kind of thing before you. Likely there were two or three options you had to painstakingly way the pros and cons of.

You went through the drawn out decision process, tickled your bank account and now you are the proud owner of an adult purchase that will marginally improve your life. Not long ago you would never have considered spending your hard-earned, minimum wage cash on such a mature and responsible purchase, but now that you’re a homeowner and like to think of yourself as a “grown-up”. . .well, you can’t help but think of it as
AWESOME!

Something's Gotta Give: Part 2 of 2

So in my last post I was talking about how there are times when life really, really sucks. I was eventually trying to get to the point that I believe something has got to give at some point. Something has to change. I have no idea what that change is for other people. I have some idea of what that change usually entails for Christians, though how it is experienced is different for each person. Now, if you’re reading this and you don’t subscribe to my God, that’s okay, welcome here, I just wanted to let you know that the rest of this post will be from a follower-of-Christ POV, and that it’s totally not my intent to alienate you, it’s just that it’s the only point of view I know, and so it’s the only one I can write from in this case.

To continue, It hasn’t been long since I decided to leave my metaphorical security rigged, deadbolted house. In fact, I’m probably still standing at the door. So there I was standing at the door, trying to get by when a group of people came out of nowhere and slammed the door on my fingers. It really freaking hurt. It hurt me personally. It further confirms my strong suspicions that people, especially my own gender, can be especially cruel (after that confession you’re probably wondering where the Christian POV is. lol). This is something I have a hard time with. And me, being me, I began stress over the human condition, among other anti-productive worries.

Thankfully, the night before this happened I was scanning blogs and I read one by Kelly Needham. In it she talked about the parallels between feeling discouraged and far from God with having idols before God. I had always thought of idols in a literal sense, like worshipping a statue of another god, or maybe even worshipping Justin Bieber instead of God (perish the thought, ugh). However, Kelly explained that we create idols out of our personal desires that we obsess over. When we are focusing on our desires, and depending on them to bring us happiness we are not focused on God. This is a huge problem because the most important command in the Bible is that we love our God with all our heart, soul and mind. When I am obsessing over things like how people can treat others cruelly, marriage and EMS, I am not giving enough of myself to God. It’s basically saying, “Father, I know that you’ve looked after me really well up until now, but I still don’t trust you worth a damn.”

As I sat in my car (I do a lot of thinking in my car) I remembered this new found truth and I wiped my eyes took a deep breath and picked up the phone. Being concerned with the human condition was not going to fix this problem. That night, at considerably late hours I talked to three different people, two of which I had never even met. Together we came up with a plan to deal with these door slamming people. By the end of the next day I had made a plan with six people. I now have an army behind me when I go to deal with the door slammers. I still hurt and I’m still a bit anxious about what will come of all this but by focusing on God and creating a plan I realized that these door slamming girls and their pettiness are not worth my heart, mind and soul. They are simply part of the human condition and I have something that conquers the human condition.

I’ve only been really working to turn my focus to God for a few days now but since then I’ve seen his hand everywhere, and it’s been a looooonnnnngggg time since I’ve really felt with certainty that he was speaking to me. I’ve had two random people come up to me to tell me how thankful they are for the work that I and my coworkers do, and I mean random - for one of those conversations I wasn’t even wearing a uniform (I was wearing clothes though . . get your mind out of the gutter). The other morning I was woken up by a massive clap of thunder. I adore thunder, the louder and more earth shaking the better. Every roll of thunder was incredibly loud and shook my house. I have not heard thunder that awesome in years. It may seem silly, but to me that’s a gift from God.

Today, my cousin Beth posted a quote on facebook from Corrie ten Boom, a Dutch Christian who hid Jews in her home until she was captured and taken to a concentration camp and survived when a clerical error saw her released a week before the group of women she was with at the camp were executed. This quote is perfect.

"If you look at the world, you'll be distressed. If you look within, you'll be depressed. If you look at God you'll be at rest."

Your focus determines your feelings. This is my very new experience. I don’t know if my dark night is over or if this is just a reprieve but I do know that at some point, something has got to give. You may have noticed that I didn’t go into much depth on what the dark night of the soul or the law of undulation are. For some reason I feel that if I try to explain it on here, it won’t be as meaningful as going and reading about it yourself. Yes, I realize that doesn’t really make sense. I will leave a few links that you could try, and I would say that the best explanation of “the law of undulation” is in Chapter 8 of The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis. Corrie ten Boom said a lot of really great stuff too and you should check her out. Mother Teresa felt that her “dark night of the spirit” lasted for the majority of her adult life, only receding months before her death.

I would also say that you don’t have to look far to meet people who are in a dark night or have been in a dark night. As much as I am predisposed to not like people very much or to think that we are extremely cruel to each other, I can still realize that the pain we cause each other is greatly due to apathy, misunderstanding and miscommunication. I don’t really have an all-encompassing way to end this post so I will leave a couple of other quotes that help when people make your life more difficult than it need be.

“Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something and has lost something.”

~ H. Jackson Brown Jr.

“Everyone is only three questions away from tears.”

~Some very smart person, though I’m not sure who.

Kelly Needham’s Blog
http://kellyneedham.wordpress.com/

Quotes by Corrie ten Boom
http://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/102203.Corrie_Ten_Boom

The Dark Night of the Soul
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dark_Night_of_the_Soul

The Law of Undulation
http://bama.ua.edu/~casey006/216/screwtape.html
(Go to Chapter VIII)

Something's Gotta Give: Part 1 of 2

I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of the phrases “the dark night of the soul” or “the law of undulation”. If you have, then chances are that you’re a Christian that has experienced a rough time in your life. I only draw that conclusion, however, because it seems that only Christians or those of a spiritual persuasion either create, or go searching for these types of beautiful flowery terms to describe those times in your life that seem to be an unending parade of unfortunate, unfair, very dark and depressing “WTF” circumstances of life that make you cry, wallow or otherwise pity your existence and fill your silent vocabulary with questions of “what did I do to deserve this?” “when will this end?” “when will I be happy again?” and my personal favourite, “SERIOUSLY???!!. . .(insert exasperated sigh here)”.

You know what I mean though, and if you don’t, you unfortunately will at one point or another (start preparing for a long metaphor. . .). Generally speaking, you’re doing your thing, probably with a lot of content satisfaction when something happens. That something that shakes your faith or your personal foundation. You start to cope with it, but just when you’re starting to make sense of it something else comes out of nowhere and blindsides you and you stumble around for a bit. Then maybe someone comes out of the shadows and shoves you to the ground and hey, that kind of makes you mad, so you get up looking for a fight, only to find that you can’t see them anymore, and then someone hits you from behind and you’re back on the ground. You try to get up but they kick you down again, and then again, and then again until you stop trying to get up and just lay quietly hoping that they’ll go away and leave you alone. It gets quiet and you’re pretty sure they’re gone, but maybe they’re just waiting for you to get up again. You’re lucky though, because you’re friends come along and find you pretty quickly. They help you get up and take you home and start to patch you up. They tell you that you’re safe, they call the police for you and say that they’ll catch the bastards that hurt you. But the police call you back to say that they have no leads, that this was probably just a random act of violence and you should go about your life like normal. “Ha ha!” you say with absolutely no humor as you order on-line a security system and four deadbolts to be shipped to you. You spend a long time fine-tuning that security system but never really feel any safer. You open the door only for those friends that were with you that fateful night. Absolutely. no. one. else.

The truth is, I could continue with this metaphor for a few more pages, but I think you know what I mean, and if you don’t know what I mean you probably have a weird mix of intrigue and disinclination happening. Hold on - I believe in using my writing powers for good and not evil, it’s about to get sunnier, just bear with me.

If you do know what I’m talking about, you know that there is no definite amount of time that this “dark night of the soul”, this “WTF?” time of life lasts. For some people it’s a month, maybe a few months, maybe a few years, maybe many years. That’s why it’s so chillingly scary. After all, this could mean that you’ll feel like the bottom of a plumber’s boot for the rest of your life. Luckily for me, I believe in Beatles songs, good luck rabbits (that’s the whole rabbit alive, mind you, not just its dead foot) the Monro-Kellie Doctrine and God’s love. This, in turn leads me to put a lot of stock in “the law of undulation” (no, you will not find this in the Bible, check out “The Screwtape Letters” by C.S. Lewis). Basically, something is bound to change eventually.

In the last few days I feel like maybe, just maybe I’ve figured something out. You know when you have days where it feels like God is “speaking” to you? Perhaps others would call it those times when you felt in tune with the universe or maybe its what atheists would say is what happens when your sub-conscious meets up with your conscious or what have you. In any case, it’s not quite a revelation but it’s a little bit of peace that comes to your attention and then you start seeing it everywhere. I will continue the second part of this in a few minutes in a second post as I am fairly determined to avoid painfully long single posts.

In the mean time you may want to look up:

“The Dark Night of the Soul”
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dark_Night_of_the_Soul

The Law of Undulation”
http://bama.ua.edu/~casey006/216/screwtape.html

The Monro-Kellie Doctrine
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intracranial_pressure
(Ya, I probably wouldn’t have read it all either if I hadn’t had to. Basically, if pressure is introduced into a fixed amount of space, like the skull, something has got to give.)

Awesome Stuff #1: Singing in perfect time at the grocery store

Have you ever heard of Neil Pasricha? If not, you need to meet his book - "The Book of Awesome". This book makes me happy when I'm down and makes me appreciate the little things in life. It's a simple and fantastical concept that I wish I had thought of first, but didn't. After that you should read his second book, "The Book of Even More Awesome". If you would like a taste of what you're getting yourself into first, visit Neil's website www.1000awesomethings.com. Now that I've completely convinced you that I am not trying to take credit for another guy's awesome idea, you can read my bits of awesomeness that I plan on interjecting into this blog as the mood strikes. Neil doesn't mind, he's all about spreading the awesome feelings.

Awesome Stuff #1: Singing in perfect time at the grocery store.

I like to sing. I don't really care if I'm putting effort into sounding good or if I'm just making noise to amuse myself, but I like singing and humming (not whistling though - I never mastered that skill very well and it's a bit obnoxious). I sing while I'm getting dressed, I sing while I'm drawing up drugs, I sing while I walk my dog and I most definitely sing when I'm driving in my car. I also like to sing when I'm grocery shopping. Why? You might ask.

Well, first because there's already music playing, and not half bad music either, they have a pretty good selection of songs at my local neighbourhood Sobeys. If you have decent accompaniment you might as well take advantage of it. Secondly, I have nothing better to do while I read through mind-numbingly long lists of ingredients on my quest to keep all wheat and its bi-products away from my GI tract. And lastly, because I like to, and I don't really know many people in town so I don't really care who thinks I'm weird. It's not like I'm singing at the top of my lungs after all.

So there I am, making my way to the baby food aisle, only because that's where they decide to hide the gluten free stuff, and I'm singing along with Kelly Clarkson and Jason Aldean's "Dont You Wanna" (I have no idea if that's the actual title of the song) when that super cheery Sobey's lady interrupts the song over the intercom to tell me how shopping at Sobey's will improve my quality of life and cure world hunger. I keep singing as best I can, hoping that I have the timing right. . .

Then it happens. . .the super cheery Sobey's lady stops talking. . .there's the small pause as the intercom recedes its intrusion. . .and then. . .the song continues EXACTLY in time with your own singing. You finish the song in harmony!

AWESOME!

My Mom's Story: Part VII - Extraordinary Women

What does it mean to live an extraordinary life? I highly doubt that my mother thinks that she is leading an extraordinary life - some of you reading may agree with her too. After all, you’ve read about how she had a regular childhood with regular childhood trials, met her husband and married him, had two children to make a perfect nuclear family, was a stay-at-home mom who later went back to work, and that she raised me - as you would expect a good mother to do. You probably think that it’s nice that I’ve chosen to write about my appreciation for my mom, that she sounds like a pretty awesome person, but that nothing she’s done is much different from what your own mother has done, or what you have done, or what your wife has done, or your best friend or your aunt or sister.

I hope you did think that at some point. Because you are right.

My mom has done in her life what many, many women do. But I want you to think about the attitude that these life circumstances were undertaken with. What makes my mom’s story extraordinary to me is how she has viewed her life, respected it and faced every day with determination and a positive attitude. How kindly she treats everyone, how much she loves my dad just the way he is, and how she supports my brother and I unfailingly. I truly do hope you can relate to this and I think you can. I scan facebook on a regular basis just like every other young adult caught in the social networking snare and I know that I have friends who can relate to my mother and that they too are facing their lives with extraordinary attitudes that in turn enrich the lives of those close to them.

I know I have friends and family who were teased in school, so much so that it is burned into their memories. Yet they still have learned to love themselves and trust others.

I know women who are living real-life love stories - high school sweethearts that are finally getting married, women who were making plans to travel and were not even thinking about a relationship when their love story hit them, couples that entered marriage based on fondness, faith and trust in God, women who spent years alone before finding someone to spend their life with.

I have a lot of friends who profess their love for their children practically every other day on facebook. Some of these friends were not expecting these additions to their lives and some have waited for a very long time to welcome them but all would give anything just to keep their daughters and sons safe and happy.

And how many of you have made sacrifices for careers or for your husbands? I have friends whose husbands had to work as medics up north for months at a time, or who were on 48 hour shift schedules at stations far removed from home, meaning they only saw each other a few days out of the week. I have a friend who married the man she loved but had to move to the U.S, leaving her entire family to be with him. I have friends with wonderful careers but who know and accept that they may have to change or alter these careers when they are eventually transferred with their RCMP husbands.

What about the courage it takes to re-enter the workforce when you’ve been away from it for years? I know nurses, teachers, paramedics, police and administrators who have all picked up the books again in preparation to return to the careers they put on hold and even more women who are starting from scratch with resumes, job training and interviews in the hopes of further developing themselves and their finances.

So you see, chances are that your life is extraordinary - you just don’t know it, probably because no one has told you yet. You can be sure though, that those women I mentioned above - I think you guys are extraordinary and I’m so blessed to have you as friends - and for inspiration!

Sure, these are all life events that many people undergo in their lives. But not all people do it well. Not all people get through tough times, not everyone stays committed to their marriage. Some people leave their children or worse, abuse them. Some people’s habits keep them from performing in the workforce, some people never seek to improve themselves or their life circumstances. These are not judgements, they’re facts.

We are born to be women, but we choose what kind of women we want to be. My mom chooses how to handle life circumstances, she chooses what kind of wife she wants to be, she chose how to raise my brother and I and she chose how she wanted to further develop herself and her career. This is especially extraordinary to me because these choices have influenced my own life - and it’s a wonderful life because of my Mom.

So, yes, maybe today you don’t think your life is extraordinary. Maybe you have regrets, maybe the kids are being brats today, maybe your marriage has seen better times or maybe you have no idea what you want to do with your life. When I have doubts, my mom says something along the lines of “hang in there, continue to make the best decisions you can and I love you.”

I figure she knows what she’s talking about.

Happy 50th Birthday Mom.