"A mother is not a person to lean on, but a person to make leaning unnecessary."
~Dorothy Fisher
I’ve been writing this part in my head for days now. I want to talk about the biggest impact that my mother has had on my life. This is easier said than done. What has she not had an impact on? My mom has been responsible for everything from my table manners to my early 20’s financial success. When I think about it though, there are three things that my mom instilled in me that I am silently grateful for practically every day of my adult life. This was no small task for my mom. Not unlike my mother I was a very determined little girl. I knew better than to be disobedient in actions but this didn’t keep me from asserting to myself that I knew better than my mom in most things. This led me not only to talking back to my mother (which was ALWAYS swiftly punished) but also to develop an under appreciation for how much she loved me and what she was trying to teach me in the hopes of me becoming a productive adult.
To start, my mom has taught me to be a capable, independent “lady”. As a kid I kept many more friends that were boys than girls. Boys didn’t want to rename your dolls or come up with elaborate stories about your Barbies. They wanted to run and play real games. I might have been wearing dresses but it never prevented me from keeping up with the boys. However, I will always remember being in my early twenties, lamenting to my mom about how I didn’t fit in very easily with other young women, that I wasn’t a “girly-girl”. My mom was busy preparing supper as she listened but when she heard this she stopped what she was doing and turned to look at me as though I had said something completely ridiculous.
“Of course you’re not. I never raised you to be a ‘girly-girl’,” was her remark. It’s true, my mom raised me to be a capable lady. Being a lady meant having excellent manners, being a good hostess and being proud of traditional women’s roles. However, this is not where being a lady ends. To be a capable, independent lady means to be well-versed in all that life may ask of you. I watched and helped my mom as she wielded power tools, installed fixtures, cut-down tree branches, put up tents and started fires among numerous other activities that some women would prefer to leave to men. Both my parents believed in not limiting my education to gender roles. My mom taught me that as a woman you don’t leave a task undone because you’d prefer a man to do it. You do what you know how to do. If you don’t know how, you learn. If you’re not sure where to start, you ask. Then you try your best and if you need help, ask for it and allow yourself to be taught. Never let yourself be limited by your size or gender. This has been asset to me not only in my home as a single woman but also on my solo international travels, and most certainly in my career in what used to be a very male-oriented industry. I might wear a uniform and lift double my weight on a regular basis but I can also walk in high heels and sew and knit. I thank my mom for showing me a life where I am not the sum of my gender, that I don’t need to be afraid to learn and try new things and that I’m a well-rounded, capable lady and not a “girly-girl”.
Secondly, my mom raised me as a Christian. I would never, ever underestimate the impact this has had on my life. My mom prefers not to attend church. I think it is in bad taste to discuss someone else’s beliefs on their behalf. I only state this to show that raising me as a Christian was a choice. I’ve heard many parents state that they choose not to raise their children within organized religion because they think their child should have that choice when they’re older. I would take a different approach, but let me further illustrate my God-centered home life. One of my earliest memories is sitting in a church pew playing with the string on my white church hat, I would have been two, maybe three years old and it was the same church that my parents had me Christened in when I was three-months old. From the time I could talk I was taught to pray on my knees before bed and this usually entailed asking God to bless everyone I knew by name and their dog, quite literally. When I was living with my Grandma one of our favourite things to do was sing Bible songs together. We always said Grace before family supper, right until we moved out of the house. It was my mom who took me to church every Sunday. It was at church that I felt safe with my peers in contrast to the bullying I experienced at school. It was at church that I started my life-long-love of choir singing and it’s where I learned public speaking as I was encouraged to read scripture out loud to the congregation from the age of eight. It was my mom’s dedication to making sure I had these opportunities that led to me knowing in my heart, mind and soul that I am a child of God, that I belong to Him. When I was 12 I chose to kneel before the congregation and received the laying of hands that made me a confirmed member of The Church. This was something I chose. I wasn’t brainwashed and I wasn’t sheltered.
I would say that no child will ever regret being taught to purposefully think about the lives and hardships of others, that they won’t suffer from learning to be grateful for the food in front of them and if they do come to know God they’ll always know of the joy and comfort that comes from a life spent with Him. My mom is not some stereotypical, caricature uptight, Bible thumping, Sunday Christian. She’s the most open-minded, non-judgemental and giving person I know, and that, combined with her decision to raise me in the Church has given me to a very enriched spiritual life. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Finally, my mom taught me how to fit into life. This probably sounds funny and I honestly don’t have a better way of explaining it. I would start by saying that we live in a culture that rewards extroversion and undervalues introversion. By definition of these somewhat limiting terms I have always been a hardcore introvert. If left to my own devices as a child I probably would have spent the majority of time alone reading books. Unfortunately, introverts have a harder time at life I think. They’re often mistaken for being reclusive, sullen and lacking communication skills. They’re considered not as much “fun” to be around, uptight or boring. Our society has a tendency to pass them over in favour of energy exuding extroverts. My mom (who also considers herself an introvert) was not going to let that happen to me. She taught me both through discussion and example that there is nothing wrong with being more inclined to introversion. This meant that I was reflective, analytical, empathetic, a good listener and excellent at thinking outside of the box among other good qualities. However, if I could work at developing more extroverted qualities and combine them with my innate ones I would open up so many more opportunities in my future. Over the years of choir, soccer, dance, cheerleading, piano, Girl Guides and numerous school groups I learned that being part of a team wasn’t so bad, that the satisfaction of performing for people was pretty fun and that if I thought carefully about what I wanted to say, there were people who actually wanted to listen. Back at home I learned from my mom invaluable pieces of social life like how to carry a conversation and that even if I think small talk is often ridiculous, it serves a purpose in making some people feel more at ease. My mom was forever reminding me to smile more - even if it doesn’t always feel natural. These skills require upkeep. I still have to be reminded to smile more, I still have to remind myself to initiate conversation. Sometimes it takes a lot of effort to bring out my bubbly, charming side. It was Mom who coached me on the value of being able to flip the switch between introvert and extrovert. In essence, over the years my mom has made me an ambivert like herself and it has paid off immensely for me. My first serious job was as a newspaper reporter and then an editor. I was only 19-20 years old and I was calling up MPs and having lunch with MLAs. I was driving out and meeting people to hear their life stories. I had an opinion column that people actually read and I dealt professionally with people who didn’t like what I had to say. I talked with businessmen, teachers, police, teenagers, oil companies, politicians, virtually every facet of society and there is no way I ever would have been successful at that career if not for the more extroverted skills that my mom encouraged me to develop. Now I work on the ambulance which also allows me utilize all of my traits and skills. I’m glad that what probably seemed like my mom nagging or criticizing me at the time turned out to be one of the biggest assets my mom has given me. She’s made my adult life a whole lot easier and allowed me to envision far more opportunities than the little girl locked away in her room reading would have seen.
That is the impact my mother has had on my life. Long post, I know! There’s only one final entry left to write in this little series. If my mom’s story reminds you of your own story or of your mother’s story, if you’ve found it relatable, inspiring, comforting or just a little bit interesting I would ask you to do two things. The first is to comment. The second thing I would ask is for you to look for and read the final post in this series that will be coming soon!
To be continued. . .
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